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A co-dependent is a people-pleaser. He feels responsible for other people's thoughts, feelings, actions and choices. That's quite a burden! Co-dependency is a learned pattern of behavior caused by not completing one or two developmental stages of childhood.
People who have an inner sense of their own selves can get close to others without losing themselves. Co-dependents are preoccupied with others at the cost of extinction of themselves. They feel compelled to help people solve their problems, and they feel angry when their help isn't effective. They find themselves saying yes when they want to say no. Sometimes they do more than their fair share of work and do things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
They feel insecure or uncomfortable when somebody does something for them. On the other hand, they wonder why others don't help them.
Jan and Mike were the parents of two teenage boys. Randy and Matt. The marriage was rocky at times, because of failed businesses and Mike's alcoholism. Jan secretly blamed some of the problems with the boys on Mike's indifference. When the boys were in high school, they became addicted to drugs. Jan made excuses to the school for absenteeism, and she paid fines on their parking tickets. Randy accumulated quite a few of them. She was angry because she couldn't share her worry with Mike, but she wouldn't risk getting him upset. She was a nervous wreck trying to cover up. She felt helpless and became depressed, a common response of co-dependency parents when they experience a loss of power over their troubled children. The more Jan became involved in trying to control the boys, the more she lost control over her own life. The family tragedy came to an end when Randy was killed in an automobile accident. The rest of the family was forced to face reality.
A child growing up in a dysfunctional family may have a problem facing reality. Jan grew up in a home where her father was an alcoholic. She was ignored by her mother who obsessed about the father's behavior. So Jan's feelings were turned off at an early age. This is not healthy and is a serious symptom of co-dependence.
If children live in a home where they are victimized or ignored, they may have problems facing reality. They survive by detaching themselves. One sad result of this is they may find it easy to victimize others when they are adults. This is especially true if they have been sexually abused.
Jan was not sexually abused, she was ignored. As an adult, she recreated her mother's and father's relationship in her marriage to Mike. She blamed Mike for her unhappiness and the boys' behavior. In their fantasy, co-dependents can choose to be the hero, the martyr and the victim. At different times Jan chose all three roles. She was obsessed with Mike's behavior and felt helpless to change anything.
"If Mike would stop drinking everything would be all right." This was Jan's belief. This is not true. Many times co-dependents choose their mate poorly. They go with what is familiar and comfortable and never know why. Because of being out of touch with reality, Jan thought the bays would stop taking drugs. "Hanging tough " would have been a way for Jan to handle the family's problems.
Hanging tough is not easy, but it may be the right thing to do when dealing with a substance-abuse family member. The pattern of co-dependency has gone on so long in this family that they will all need professional help to see recovery.
Jan's perception of her world will be turned around. She will need much support from outside and within the family. With therapy and support, Jan will experience awareness. She blamed Mike for all the family problems. Was she fair to him? He has been responsible for their financial needs. Is there some way she can help him? She and Mike will need to stabilize their marriage. Some couples cannot get past this stage.
Jan and Mike will have to present a united front. This will be especially hard for Jan because co-dependents are not accustomed to asking for help. Jan has to give up the role of hero.
There were too many unspoken rules in the past. These rules isolated each family member from the others. This new scenario will have a new set of rules, those that all members are aware of and obliged to follow. Communication will be clearer among all of them.
When Randy received his first parking ticket, he should have been held accountable. If he doesn't have a job, he could do household chores for money. Was Randy a bad example for Matt? Matt should also be held accountable for his actions.
The new rules will stress no use of the car, no using drugs, no late hours, and whatever else is needed. If Jan had recognized her co-dependent behavior, the family's tragedy might not have occurred. Maybe Randy wouldn't have died. This family has a long way to go toward recovery.
Feelings
Jan will have to forgive herself. She did the best she could with what skills and awareness she had at that time. She was reacting to a home situation in a place different from where she is today. If she can acknowledge that the home situation was not normal or healthy, she will have gained an awareness that will help her to go forward.
Her co-dependency was a behavior that she learned by following dysfunctional beliefs. She believed she could control everyone. She believed she was the only one doing anything. She chose to ignore the use of drugs by the boys.
Feelings are one of our first emotions. When we are infants and our basic needs are met, we develop at a natural pace. If the child is not permitted to cry—because of anxious parents who hold him continuously—he will not know what his feelings are. On the other hand, if his needs aren't met, he will suppress his pain and not know what he is feeling. This is denial of feelings, but it shows up in other behaviors.
Tears are a release of feeling. "I don't cry anymore," said Jan. "All my feelings went when Randy died." But she finds herself exploding whenever anything goes wrong. For instance, if the gas attendant does not come over to her car quick enough, she leans on her horn until she gets attention.
Feelings are felt throughout the body. When Jan was ignored by her parents, she felt rejected. She tried to pretend she didn't notice or didn't care. She did this to ward off the pain. Therefore, rejection was not fully felt. Rather, it started in motion behavior to cover the feeling, the pretense that she didn't care.
Normal people feel only in the present. Jan's old unresolved feelings come up all the time. She suppressed each major hurt. She will need help getting to the bottom of her pain.
The task of going back to her childhood to experience those old feelings will be overwhelming. Having resisted them for years, she would like to continue. But Jan will never be a healthy wife to Mike or mother to Matt until she goes through this experience. Jan's therapist will have to find out what kind of pain she is experiencing. Is it pain from her childhood or adulthood? It may even be pain she has carried from her parents; she could have taken on her mother's pain.
Some co-dependents say, "I'm never going to do that to my family." Jan's mother ignored her, and so Jan wanted to be in her children's life in every way. She became too controlling in taking care of everything. This turned out to be disastrous.
A moderate behavior would have worked better. Because she has no sense of what a moderate change would be, Jan needs guidance in her development toward appropriate behavior. Also, Jan needs to ease up on herself and focus on a new interest that is productive. This may cause feelings of guilt, but guilt is unproductive.
Feelings are the normal response to what is happening in your life. They are the result of experience, perception and interpretation. Our behavior is the result of what we are feeling. Co-dependents tend to put a negative interpretation on what is said to them. This is because of their experience in a dysfunctional home. Many times the conclusions they draw are inaccurate. "Your dress is so short," may be interpreted as a criticism. When in truth it is just a comment, nothing else.
A sudden overwhelming emotional experience that comes over you can be called a "feeling memory." These surface in the form of anger, shame, pain or fear. Anger can turn into a sudden attack of rage. This explains how anger can suddenly erupt into something that is completely out of hand. The feeling of fear brings on a panic attack. We've all heard the remark, "the feeling just came over me."
Personal Space
Everyone has his own personal space or invisible wall around his body. It keeps people from getting too close. It keeps us from invading the space of others.
Our external space controls how near we let other people come to us. We never stand too close, or we don't touch them without permission. There is implied permission when two friends greet each other with a hug. But no such permission is given to strangers. A person's space is gravely violated by physical abuse such as rape or murder.
Our internal space protects our thinking, feeling and behavior. We are the only one responsible for our thoughts, feelings and behavior. I am the only one who knows my thoughts. I can share them only if I want to.
An understanding of personal space stops one from controlling others. A person who has no knowledge of the boundaries of others is insensitive, and when he crosses another's space without permission, he is an offender.
Children know no boundaries. They need to be protected. They need to be taught respect for other people's space. When someone crosses our inner space by ridiculing us or by a sarcastic remark, we are offended and feel it.
Some people put up an invisible wall of anger. We have all been subject to the person who "won't talk." You can almost see this wall, at times: the "don't approach me" attitude of the store clerk. Maybe that person is you.
The child or the person without this space can easily become the victim of abuse. We need this wall for our protection. Individuals raised in dysfunctional homes usually suffer some kind of boundary impairment.
"Even in the common affairs of life, in love, friendship and marriage, how little security have we when we trust our happiness in the hands of others!" (Hazlitt, On Living to One's Self.)
Esteem is something inside us, a sense of value, a feeling of well-being. It shows in the way we carry ourselves or present ourselves to others. It supports us when we have self-doubts. No one can lend it to us. We get it in the second stage of child development. A sense of identity. We get it from our parents who encourage and praise us for our achievements. We get it when we work or study hard. It is an inner satisfaction. Even when we make a mistake, we keep our esteem because we know it is no crime to fail sometimes. Our esteem is ours. We have it because we are us. A unique individual.
Co-dependents have low self-esteem. Self-image is distorted when the person is always trying to please others. Looking for constant approval from others to relieve your anxiety is futile.
"No matter how hard I worked at it, he just didn't seem to be getting any happier," Ida said. "In the process, my own sense of self-esteem was going down the tube. And great surprise, it turns out I wasn't even taking care of my self. I'm learning though, I didn't make him unhappy, and I can't make him happy."
The co-dependent often does not tend to his own wants and needs. Everyone has basic needs. We need food, clothing and shelter. The wants are sometimes things that we would enjoy. You just want them "because." The co-dependent is numb to his own wants. He is too engrossed in someone else's affairs.
Attitude determines whether you choose to be happy or miserable. Many people enjoy ill health. They love the attention they get because of illness.
We can carry emotional pain around with us, or we can get rid of it. When afflicted, the healthy thing to do is examine it carefully. "Why do I feel this way? What am I supposed to learn from this?"
When we have the same despair over and over, we are wasting valuable energy—kicking a dead horse. We are the losers with this accumulation of feelings of anger, revenge, bitterness and hatred. Strong feelings of anger will prevent a person from parenting in a healthy manner. The child is raised with anger, and he will transfer this anger from generation to generation.
True intimacy is a powerful force and promises continued growth for anyone experiencing it. There are different kinds of intimacy:
Intimacy has many stages and is constantly changing. A casual friendship can provide an opportunity for a brief, shared experience. Two friends can have many intimate moments as they exchange feelings, ideas, and information. Each interaction is a different kind of intimacy. It is not based on expectations. It unfolds spontaneously, a shared experience never to come again. It can be one of laughter or pain.
A co-dependent cannot have many of these kinds of moments because they want to control, don't listen and cannot share themselves with another.
When you take on the responsibility for another person, you are a manipulator. You rescue him, protect him and carry his feelings. You feel anxious and fearful that he will leave you. You are concerned about the other person living up to your expectations. When you feel responsible to others, you share, encourage and listen to them. You feel relaxed. You know the other person can take care of himself. You can trust and let go.
Children from dysfunctional homes learn early in life that they have to repress their feelings. "Be quiet." "Don't you dare cry." Because they can't deal openly with their feelings, their feelings are blocked out of their awareness, and numbness sets in. They were given the implied message that to express your feelings was wrong. Repressed feelings result in inaction and depression.
Invalidation is denying another person's feelings or thoughts. This can be done by feelings of superiority or by discounting the other person. Treating him like a nonperson.
Validation is acknowledging another person, his pain or anger. To validate a person is to confirm his existence and worth.
| Invalidation | Validation |
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"Attending to my own business will keep me from becoming a slave to a situation; that is why I will not get myself involved too deeply. This will set me free to work out my own salvation." (Principle of Al-Anon)
| Healthy Relationship | Dysfunctional Relationship |
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The co-dependent has certain expectations and beliefs about the relationship he is in. If he grew up in a dysfunctional family, these beliefs will be deeply implanted in his heart and mind:
The result of living in a dysfunctional relationship is that co-dependents develop serious emotional problems. Their life is full of constant strife. They suffer from chronic depression as they struggle to control the family. They see no way to escape as the financial difficulties and isolation continue. Various physical disorders are the consequences of the relationship. They may suffer from chronic back pain due to muscle tension and have gastro-intestinal problems due to stress.
"Why do we accept things that trouble us, when we could do something about them?" (Al-Anon)
No co-dependent will display all the symptoms and the progression will vary.
Co-dependency is a learned process or coping mechanism as the result of reacting to the behavior of a substance abuser. It is progressive and will continue so long as the co-dependent is in the relationship and reacts to the progression of addiction.
The impulsive behavior of the substance abuser is what attracts the co-dependent to him. "Ah, here's someone I can help. I want to take care of him." The co-dependent gives and the substance abuser takes.
The new lifestyle is exciting to the co-dependent. Even if he comes from a dysfunctional home, he denies that the substance abuser is out of control or could be like one of his parents.
Sometimes it takes years for the negative behavior of the substance abuser to appear. There may be an out-of-control episode and then a quiet period; life goes on and the years pass. The substance abuser's behavior accelerates, and the co-dependent becomes overstressed and overtired. Expectations are not being met. "I was optimistic when he stopped drinking whiskey and switched to wine. Then I saw he could get just as drunk on wine."
The co-dependent gets tired of refusing social engagements, juggling bills and making excuses. The substance abuser may lose his job, putting a strain on the household. The co-dependent hits bottom. This is the moment of truth, or the awareness that life is joyless. Tired of promises and stress, the co-dependent longs for peace of mind. A decision is made to leave the substance abuser and enter the community of a recovering co-dependent.
To nurture is to rear or bring up, to supply with all the ingredients necessary for maturation. As a child, your primary needs are food, shelter and safety.
It is the role of parents to supply the nourishment. You may not get all the nurturing you wanted because their attention was elsewhere. Everybody needs differing degrees of nurturing.
You may have been raised without knowing that you have the right to be angry, make mistakes, express your feelings, be happy and have fun. If you grew up without these valuable lessons, you can become your own parent right now. You can nourish yourself.
Two thousand years ago a great Jewish rabbi and teacher named Hillel wrote this poem:
"If I am not for myself, Then -who can be for me, and if I'm only for myself, Then what am I? And if not now, When? "
Once a person becomes aware of the dysfunction in his life, he needs to break the chain of co-dependency. He has to be ready to be alone. He finds himself in that aloneness. Then it is all right to ask for help. The early part of recovery is filled with pain. Pain that was repressed for many years comes to the surface. Recovery means how to become your own person.
Jack: I was 18 years of age when I left home. My life as a child was a constant battle. My parents fought and argued and I was always in between one side or the other. I never knew my own feelings, I had to take on theirs. I remember being terribly alone. This is a feeling that haunts me always. I loved music. It was the only time I had a peaceful moment. I could play the horn and was very good. I got a job with a traveling musical combo. That saved my life. (There is a great deal of drugs surrounding Jack's life at this moment, but he has avoided it.) I remember my parents being "out of it" and I don't want to waste any of my time like they did.
Let's hope Jack stays firm in his convictions. He needs to be aware of his own culpability and accept the fact that he is vulnerable to the use of drugs. He is experiencing good feelings now, and his determination to live a new life may carry him through.
Separation from an old lifestyle involves a grieving process and then acceptance. Realize you are a survivor. "I don't have to fix anybody. The only person I am responsible for is myself," says Carol. "I don't have to carry that burden anymore."
You can feel strong, you can smile and laugh. Laughter is powerful. This is the time to find a new set of friends. Find an interest or hobby. If you are only interested in passive activities like television or daydreaming, it is time to exercise. Exercise is essential to developing a sense of well-being.
Stress, anxiety, depression, anger and other emotional factors can directly affect eating habits, so dieting is often crucial. The co-dependent may be overeating or have no appetite at all. A good look at nutrition is necessary.
Alice: I was always trying to control. In recovery I've learned to look within myself. I take what I need from the past and discover new skills.
Learn to listen and recognize that inner voice. To get in touch with that inner part of you, you need to relax. Meditation is a wonderful way to relax. It is a process that can bring a person a wonderful feeling of peace. Get in touch with your inner hunches, that gut feeling. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't.
Co-dependents need to keep reaffirming their actions. "I didn't make him drink that fifth of whiskey every night." "I didn't make him smash the car."
Banish the old way of thinking. "After all I did for him, he treated me this way." Maybe the expectations were too high. When your thinking is changed, situations around you will change.
The way your life progresses will be the outcome of what you think about yourself. Think the worst, and it will come about. Think only good things will come and they will. Let your real self come out. Energy will flow when you're not holding on to things you can't control. The only way to break an old habit is to start a new one. Life is full of surprises. Grab a few of them.
The co-dependent can be male or female.
Brian was a handsome, tall man who loved flashy women and cars. Co-dependent men need a woman to feel whole and they seek needy women. Linda was an attractive woman with two young children. She was a struggling actress. Linda welcomed Brian's attention and help. He was a "dear man," passive-aggressive and mild-mannered. Because his behavior was almost parental, he offered help before it was asked. He had a real fear of intimacy. He made decisions for Linda without consulting her. He gave out of emptiness, not caring. Linda began to feel smothered. Then her luck changed. She won a part on a popular soap opera. Her relationship with Brian deteriorated, and he looked elsewhere for another needy person.
The male co-dependent can turn a relationship into a project. When the person he rescues gets stronger, he goes on to the next needy one. While it may look like he is giving and unselfish, it is giving to get. He has unspoken expectations for a desired response.
When the dependent person changes, the relationship changes. The co-dependent's value as a person is tied up with being needed.
Because the co-dependent feels in control and superior as long as his partner is addicted, he may often sabotage the addict's attempts to recover. He has a big investment in keeping things as they are. Because Brian was so obsessed in controlling Linda, the relationship could not have a true intimacy. They could not relate on an adult-to-adult level. Brian's unspoken expectations overwhelmed Linda, and she looked for escape.
If boys don't learn that it is all right to have feelings, they find themselves unable to express these feelings in adulthood. They become disconnected from their emotions. Buried emotions have to erupt sometime. An outburst of uncontrolled rage can have horrendous consequences.
A sudden uncontrolled outburst of anger that turns into rage is the cause of some murders in our society. When these men were boys, they had to present the macho front. On the other hand, if abandonment, not anger, is the buried emotion, the person may find himself in serial affairs. He is always looking for the person who can truly love him.
The health caretaker takes on the role of the co-dependent when she is working. This is appropriate at that time. The patient is in a dependent position and must have your expertise and experience to care for him. You are there to care for the patient when he is unable to care for himself. As he heals or his health progresses, you are there to support him in taking care of himself. You are a teacher.
You don't do your job at the cost of extinction of yourself. You shed the role when you leave the workplace. Self-care and rest are the priorities then, because it takes a lot of energy and feeling good about yourself to take care of someone else.
We all know nurses who bum out. They have not been taking care of themselves. We are also aware of patients who don't want to do for themselves. The outcome of this is that their healing process is much slower or retarded. It is imperative that the health caretaker knows when to help and when to stand back.
Child Onset Co-Dependency: a type of co-dependency that is caused by being raised in an addictive or dysfunctional family of origin
Adult Onset Co-Dependency: a type of co-dependency that is caused by being involved in a committed relationship as an adult with an addicted or dysfunctional person
Caretaking Personality is a term used to describe a specific pattern of personality traits that is characterized by loss of self-identity, over-involvement with others as a means of establishing self-identity, and excessive caretaking behavior that results in lack of self-care. Both co-dependents and non co-dependents can exhibit a caretaking personality.
Co-dependents are blamers.
Co-dependents are compulsive people-pleasers.
Co-dependents are poor communicators.
Co-dependents fail to see distinctions or boundaries between themselves and their partners.
Co-dependents become confused and frustrated when others do not share their ideas.
Co-dependents have a core belief that they can control themselves, the people around them and, indeed, everything else that comes up.
Co-dependents play the martyr, hero or victim—whatever role the situation calls for.
Co-dependents lose contact with their spiritual self. Co-dependents are not in touch with their feelings.
Co-dependents are fearful, rigid and judgmental.