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The ideal family is one where everyone loves and respects each other. They live in mutual support of one another. All disagreements are discussed in civil tones until there is a mutually agreed-upon solution. It is a place where unconditional love is the rule and harmony reigns. The family is the basis of society.
Edmund Leach, British anthropologist, stated recently that "far from being the basis of the good society, the family, with its narrow privacy and tawdry secrets is the source of all discontents." (Time magazine, June 1994)
A headline in the newspaper read: "Man Goes on Rampage, Injures Toddler Son." A man apparently on drugs went on a rampage, attacking his grandfather, injuring a woman, and biting and nearly smothering his three-year-old son. The man appeared to be under the influence of narcotics and "had been acting in a bizarre fashion earlier in the evening."
When police arrived at the residence, a woman described as hysterical pointed to the 73-year-old grandfather who was bleeding and to the man who was lying on his young son. The toddler was bleeding from the mouth and had human teeth marks on his body. He was hospitalized in critical condition.
This is a critically ill family. The drug abuse that families are dealing with today is accelerated and more dangerous than ever before. The violence connected with substance abuse is a problem that erupts on a large scale.
A recent television show depicted the true story of a teenager who killed his grandmother. He had been taking drugs and went on a robbery spree with two other teenagers. They decided to rob his grandmother's mobile home. "Things got out of hand," he said, "they were beating her so much that I stabbed her to stop it." When asked why he didn't stab the boys, he answered, "my mind was so muddled with drugs, I wasn't thinking right. I just wanted to stop their beating on her."
These are some of the consequences that are the result of substance abuse today. Violence is everywhere but especially turned inward onto the family. Family roles are distorted when drugs are involved. The family is the nearest and, when drunk or on a high, the substance abuser isn't thinking clearly. The behavior of one affects the whole family system. The members change and assume roles to compensate for the imbalance. Each member is sensitive to the home environment.
Larry, age 53, had a family history of alcoholism. He started drinking in his early teens. He drank with the college crowd, although it didn't affect his studies or grades. He graduated -with a degree in marketing and business administration.
Larry married his college sweetheart, and they had four children. He drank socially at this time with an occasional overindulgence. He was busy establishing a business and finding a niche in the community. Their store was successful and Ann was proud of Lorry's accomplishments. She knew he drank a "little too much," but "he works hard and needs to relax."
As time went by, Lorry became very involved in local politics and often neglected his family's activities. Ann and the children were forming a tight unit, and Larry felt like an outsider. As the children grew, they seemed to go off in different directions. Each one had his own pressures. Ann just tried to keep them all together without causing a large rift in the family system.
Tom, the oldest, attended the local university and helped his father in the store. Sometimes Larry would start drinking in the store and fall asleep. Tom would put a cover over him and lock up the store. "Dad's working late at the store," was his explanation to the rest of the family. It seemed to Tom he was always making excuses for his father. He felt the burden of responsibility "to keep things together." He knew something was terribly wrong, and he worried about it. He sometimes felt like the father instead of the son. As his mother became more obsessed with his father's behavior, Tom assumed more control over the rest of the children. He became angry and restless. Because of so much time spent in the store he couldn't pursue activities at the university. He had a hard time keeping up with his studies. He was learning, you can't trust people. It doesn't pay to get involved, "something will ruin it." You have to take care of number one.
Sara, a high school senior, was a talented singer and very popular. She was angry with her father because he never attended any of her performances during high school. She was often in trouble. Sara liked to party and was always ready to ditch school. The role that Sara played in this family was to take the focus away from her/other. Her mother and her older brother Tom were "always on her back." This is the child who acts out the rage and chaos within the family. She is becoming promiscuous and is likely to end up with an unwanted pregnancy. "That will make them all notice."
Jeff, a freshman in high school, also experienced feelings of rejection and abandonment from his father and his mother. He spent a lot of time daydreaming in his room, placing himself outside the family circle. Jeff seemed to be the least affected by his father's behavior but, in truth, his physical ailments reflect his emotional pain. Jeff had asthma and got his nurturing through medication and the attention of the physician. When things got too intense in the home, he had an asthma attack and spent time in the hospital. This is one way of diffusing tension and also getting the attention he craves.
Billy, the youngest child, is 11 years old. He felt he had to keep everyone happy with his clowning, but he also withdrew when his parents began to bicker. Billy smiled all the time, even when it wasn't appropriate. He could not express his true feelings.
Each family member has adopted a style to cope, and it works for awhile. But when things get into the "crazies" and they are not getting the nurturing they need, the entire family becomes dysfunctional. Of course, they don't know what is normal. Normal for them is their mother's inattention as she is obsessed with their father's behavior. Normal is tension and inappropriate behavior from their father. Normal is arguing, unpredictability and turmoil in the household. When they are adults, they will re-create this chaos in their lives. It's the only way they know how to live. If there is no crisis, they will create one.
Tom will want to be in control of everyone and everything. This may not always work for him. His feelings of "nobody knows how hard I try, they don't appreciate me," will carry over into all his relationships.
Sara will always be involved in turmoil. At home or in the workplace, she will stir up trouble. She likes to shift the attention. At times her behavior may be reckless.
Jeff is the child who would like to ignore problems. He is very lonely, and his anxiety shows up in the form of physical complaints. He will always remain uninvolved. "I don't care if he stops drinking or not, so long as he leaves me alone," he says. This is quite a chore as there is no way to ignore it.
Ann, the mother, is bewildered at times and angry at other times. The alcoholism of Larry came about so gradually, she was unaware of the nature of the problem. She was in denial a long time. She is overwhelmed, has lost hope and accepts that this is the way her life is. She feels powerless and sees no way out of the situation.
Billy, the youngest, has much anxiety and anger beneath that funny facade. He has the least defenses and will probably end up an alcoholic.
As adults, each child may experience difficulty in relationships. They have received a distorted view of marriage. Their self-esteem is low. Infidelity is prevalent. Because of the mixed messages they have received from their parents, they are never on an even keel. A stable relationship may be boring to them. Some of them will become substance abusers, and others will marry substance abusers. People gravitate to the familiar.
When the mother of the family is the substance abuser, the effects are very severe on the children. They are reluctant to bring anyone home because of the disarray there. Maybe they are ashamed of the mother's appearance. They are victims in a situation not of their doing.
The wife of the substance abuser will stay in the relationship because of the children and for economic reasons. If the wife is the abuser, the husband will not tolerate it for very long.
The family has to realize they are not responsible for the substance abuser. They must take care of themselves. Ann should focus on her own needs. When she takes her energy away from Larry, she will discover a new sense of peace and happiness. By changing her behavior, she will affect Larry's behavior. He will be startled not to receive the old responses. It may push him into seeking help.
Leo Tolstoy, a Russian novelist, wrote, "all happy families resemble one another, every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." There are a million ways to be unhappy. Each member of the family acts or reacts according to his or her experience and personalities. Families of the substance abuser are united in not letting the truth be known to the world. No one must know of the "crazies" that go on in their households.
Abuse is abuse. It is anything that does not feel good to the person. It may be physical or emotional. All abuse has negative effects on the person to whom it is directed. He may become an abuser himself, or he may expect to be abused. Sometimes he thinks he deserves it.
Physical abuse can end with a fractured rib or nose or even death. Individuals in drunken rages can abuse their spouses for years. They always repent and beg forgiveness, and then the cycle repeats itself. This will go on as long as the abused person accepts it.
A young child is abused if he sees his parents beating each other up. It is frightening to see the two people most important to him in the world being so violent toward each other. No child should have to witness this.
Emotional abuse can be either verbal or behavioral. "You're stupid, dummy" is verbal abuse, and when said often enough, it is stamped on a person's heart and mind, and he believes it. It scars the person for his entire life.
Neglect is a form of abuse. Children in a chaotic household are frequently neglected. "I was never taught anything," Margie confided. "Both my parents were on drugs. I was six years old and in charge of the younger children. I was never taught how to cook, clean or shop. I had to pick it up myself. I was never taught how to solve problems, I never knew problems are a part of life. When something comes up, I do drugs too," she added.
Children should learn that it's normal to have problems and how to solve them without drugs. They are deprived of their natural rights to live in a peaceful environment and to be taken care of. These individuals grow up distrustful of anyone. They are afraid to take risks and don't have normal problem-solving skills. If they are exposed to lying, cheating and stealing, these are the skills they are learning. They are learning to be antisocial. All these forms of abuse interfere with the child's development. No child deserves this.
A person taking drugs is self-centered. He may even have a personality disorder called "borderline narcissistic." The characteristics are self-absorption and attention-seeking. The person shows absolutely no regard for the consequences of being a substance abuser. He is a desperately dependent person. He depends on the effects of the drug for daily gratification and the feeling of "all is well."
Mickey Mantle was a baseball player in the late '50s and '60s. He was named Player of The Year three times. Mickey was a tall, blond, handsome man from Oklahoma, and he started drinking when he was touring with the ball club. "I never thought of myself as an alcoholic," he said in a recent interview on television. He was just with the guys, and that's what they did. They would sneak beer onto the bus and stay up all night drinking in local bar rooms.
He acknowledges that his wife raised their boys by herself. "I never even played ball with my four boys," he said. He played baseball for 18 years. "If I had taken better care of myself, I could have played ball a lot longer."
The real heavy drinking started when he retired. He became emerged in businesses connected with food and drink. He switched from beer to hard stuff.. Then tragedy struck when his 36-year-old son died. "That pushed me toward sobriety." He went to the Betty Ford Rehabilitation Center in Palm Springs and "learned how to get my feelings back."
Mickey hid his feelings for so many years that when his son died he faced his own mortality and regrets. His response was healthy because he sought help. "I never hugged my mother or my boys. Now I'm starting a new life by holding my grandchildren and hugging my sons."
The person who is the substance abuser will shirk his responsibilities of parenting. Like Mickey, he does not realize this until the children are grown. Then he becomes aware of all the things he didn't do. Some individuals go through life and never realize this. Luckily, Mickey Mantle got a second chance to make amends, though he missed the boys' childhood. He will try to recapture it again through his grandchildren.
Children who live under this circumstance — absent mothers and fathers — all react differently. It is in adulthood that the results of such neglect will surface. It may express itself through depression, compulsive behavior, poor parenting skills, or inability to maintain a healthy relationship.
Feelings are a person's own private thoughts and an indication that something has made them sad or glad. Feelings are not expressed in a dysfunctional household.
"Don't you cry," "Keep quiet" are commands that children learn to survive with. Children living in a dysfunctional home learn not to question or express concern. "I wonder why dad is asleep on the floor?" "How come my mom can never come to my school?" Silent questions that never get answered.
Distrust comes from never knowing what the response will be. "Anything could happen." Sometimes children are punished by the non-addict who is taking out his anger and frustration on the child. Life is lived with a total lack of rules or else with very rigid rules. Because they are only children, they are not mature in their thinking, and they live in fear. The actions of the substance abuser are always unpredictable.
There are strong feelings of guilt in all the members of the family. An older sibling may feel guilty because he can't protect his mother or sister from his father. A young child may feel guilty because he thinks he is the cause of his parents' divorce. A spouse may feel guilty because divorce breaks up the family. A spouse or child may feel guilty because he believes he is the cause of the person taking the drugs.
Another feeling that is prevalent in the dysfunctional family is anger.
Children are ashamed of the way their substance abusive father or mother looks and acts. They are ashamed of their home. Because of these feelings they may tend to become oversensitive and withdraw. They become loners. Or they may overreact and carry a chip on their shoulder. They know something is wrong in their home, but they don't know what it is. Their parents are different from other parents.
Lacking a positive role model in their parents, children will make decisions by guesswork or trial and error. The result of this kind of behavior is impulsiveness. A clear statement or opinion is always avoided. They sway back and forth on decisions. They will never express a strong like or dislike—are "always on the fence." They avoid confrontation and accusations. They will blame themselves for the problems and unhappiness of others. They are hard on themselves.
In some families it is the son or daughter who is the substance abuser and becomes the worry. Maybe one parent is an alcoholic, and the other parent uses all her energy to present a happy, united facade to the outside world. There may be one child in the family who will rebel. The child will choose drugs because they are available. Also, this is what his peers are doing.
Jake: My mother was always worried. She had a permanent frown on her face. I felt guilty about her pain but couldn't do anything about it. I escaped at school, and with my friends I began drinking and drugging in high school. My parents never paid any attention to me. They never cared or knew what I was doing. Once in a while I had blackouts. I became addicted to speed, and after a time started taking cocaine. I liked cocaine. I was stoned most of the time. I became a drug dealer in order to make money for my habit. That's when I got in trouble with the law and my parents took notice.
As the parents of a substance abuser, the strongest emotion they feel is helplessness. They are unable to do anything about the child's behavior. They tried it and it didn't work. They threatened and issued all kinds of demands. They may have even driven the child from the home. The parents are frustrated, and Jake's mother is despondent as she watches him deteriorate.
While he is taking drugs, the person will hang out only with other users who understand him—"we are on the same wavelength." The family becomes the enemy; they are the ones who must be deceived. What can parents do to help this situation? They can detach themselves from the illness without detaching from the person.
Jake's mother thought she was a failure as a mother and parent. At first she would do anything for peace in the house. She made excuses for Jake and did his chores. She didn't like some of his friends, but she never said anything. She knew Jake was headed for trouble, but she was ashamed and discouraged. "I've put up with so much from his father, and now this." One of her reactions was, "What will my sister think? Her husband is an alcoholic, but it never interfered with his work or obligations."
She is really accepting the blame for Jake's problem, as she has all these years for her husband's. She needs to take care of herself and establish clear, firm guidelines in the home. No more late hours for Jake. He cannot have any friends in the house when she is out. She needs to detach and leave him free to take responsibility for his own actions. She must break the cycle and stop focusing on him. There are self-help groups she can join to get support from other parents with the same problem. One of these is Families Anonymous.
If Jake persists in the addiction, intervention and treatment are the next steps. The parents need to unite in their determination to solve this problem.
Another problem the mother faces is the father's attitude. He has been an alcoholic for years. "It's legal" is his rationalization and he sees no connection between his own addiction and his son's. In fact, he looks at those who take drugs as moral weaklings. He doesn't know that the brain doesn't care if a drug is legal or illegal, alcohol or cocaine. The results are the same. A drug is a drug.
Sometimes a child will use the conflict between parents to take the focus from himself. He will play one parent against the other. Jake manipulated his mother to cover up for him. He knew she was already obsessed with his father's behavior and would do anything not to upset things.
Discovering the addiction of a child is an opportunity for the addicted parent to become aware of the process and change in his own behavioral patterns. This will be very hard to do because the pattern has been in place for so long. Jake's father has no intention of stopping his drinking. But there may be a shift if Jake's mother changes her responses.
Occasionally the drug addiction of the child is not so blatant and progresses at a slower pace. Many times there is constant criticism in the home and a demand for perfection. A son may feel pressure to play football to please his father. He doesn't want to play it and to free himself of this demand, he fractures his leg so he won't have to participate.
In some homes there are no rewards for doing well, only reprimands when not doing well. Life is discolored for the entire family in such a negative atmosphere. A person will grow up with a defective sense of self. This translates into a low self-image.
Children need love and hugs to develop into healthy adults. The healthy home is where they are taught social skills. A positive sense of identity is developed. They learn to trust themselves and others. They are allowed to express their feelings and accept themselves as people worthy of love and affection. They flourish in an environment that provides nourishment and acceptance.
It is the parents' task to prepare their children to be able to handle successfully the stresses and strains that are part of their natural development. The adolescent needs to be guided through the process of accepting his biological role and of being comfortable with the opposite sex. He should be counseled in choosing a profession or occupation that will suit his need for independence.
Childhood is the time when personality is developed. Children's belief systems are also becoming a part of their personal creed. In order for trust to develop, the child must have a safe and comfortable environment. At this time he needs to be able to count on his parents or anyone who is his caretaker.
Once trust is developed, the next stage in growth is the ability to have self-control. Children need stable, flexible rules to life by, so they will be able to balance closeness and distance. This stage is hindered if they live in an unpredictable atmosphere. When the child is able to trust and has his own self-identity, then he can develop initiative and competency and begin to see the world outside as something to enter and conquer. The last stage is separation from his parents. This is sometimes a painful time but is necessary if the child is to develop into a healthy adult.
Each of these stages depends on the other to be completed successfully, and that's the task of those in charge of the children. A child in charge of a child robs him of his right to a healthy life and stunts growth.
If a child is raised in a violent atmosphere and physically abused, the message is, you have no right to your body. You have no power. You are valueless. These messages are hard to resolve when the person is an adult.
Another message that is carried for a lifetime is the feeling of abandonment. There is a great big hole in the middle of the life of a person who has these feelings. He doesn't have to be actually abandoned to have these thoughts.
Margo: I always felt like an outsider. I wasn't good at anything. All the others were so much more talented than I. They were better looking. I always felt so alone.
Jenna: We were always moving and being left at some relative's home. Even in the midst of a large family I felt abandoned.
Children who grow up in dysfunctional homes have a greater sense of abandonment than others. Where there is little or no opportunity to develop closeness with immediate family members, the child has nothing upon which to base a relationship. He can feel alone in a crowd or in a relationship.
Couples can abandon each other. When one partner is not emotionally available for the other one, there is much pain because of lack of concern or attention.
Kate: I had a dream. My husband passed right by me in the car. He wouldn't stop for me. He left me alone. I felt unwanted.
Cyril: My mother wasn't married when I was born and she abandoned me. I grew up in 11 different foster homes. No one wanted me. I can't find anything to fill the emptiness in my life.
Abandonment is not just loneliness. It is loneliness plus rejection. The painful feeling is the rejection. The answer to abandonment is involvement. Get involved in something that interests you, or help someone else. The result is that you are flooded with good feelings. It is just like filling up a cup.
Crises are a part of living. They come up, either accidentally or intentionally. All major life changes are stressful, even one that is anticipated and desirable. This is a vulnerable time; the person is exposed to the unknown. He who takes the risk gets the reward.
Norma was married to a substance abuser who beat her. Norma grew up in a dysfunctional family, and so she thought this behavior was normal. Her father beat her mother. It was life. She didn't like it, but she felt helpless. She lived this way for 22 years. Her children would say,
"Mother, get out, take a chance." But she was afraid. Then the beatings got more severe, and she ended up in the hospital. That did it. She left her husband and went back to school. She got a job in a real estate office, and she met a kind, loving man. Her life changed drastically, as a result of taking a chance.
It seems easier to take the risk when there are obstacles in the way. You get out because there are no other options. A person who copes with a substance abuser has lost years of adult development. All self-doubts are hidden. The drug and the addict are the excuses to retreat from risk. Opportunity does not find you, you find it.
Gays and lesbians have a constant struggle to feel good about themselves. When they are young, they learn to hide and deny an important part of themselves. They learn not to trust others and survive by being invisible.
If they are growing up in a substance abuser's household, they are acquainted with loneliness, shame, denial and low self-image. They exist in an environment that doesn't feel safe or comfortable. They are threatened by exposure to the community and to the family.
Rachael: I attempted suicide and I told a therapist, "I am gay, 18 and scared." He told me "to dress up, put on makeup and act like a girl again." I continued drinking, and it was years before I went for help again.
Many gays and lesbians become substance abusers. This makes them more socially isolated. They need to know they can reach out and get help. There are gay and lesbian self-help meetings in Alcoholics Anonymous. Everyone is entitled to live without fear or shame.
Cora: It's hard enough to be a lesbian, but if you have a drug problem, you are discriminated against. All this keeps a person from seeking help. One nurse treated me like a human. She made me feel I could be a lesbian and a useful human being.
Being raised in a dysfunctional family is not the cause of gay and lesbian sexual orientation. They have the same feelings and responses as other children plus the confusion about themselves. They are constantly rejected and are always contending with the decision of "coming out."
Coming out is a brave and courageous act. Fear of rejection from family and society, gays and lesbians need to know there are support groups and safe environments for them. They are very sensitive to a caretaker's attitude toward them. This is one area where a caretaker can show them the path to recovery or shove them further into their isolation.
Rules of a Dysfunctional Household
Child's Normal Developmental Plan
Child's Development in a Dysfunctional Household
Adolescent's Developmental Plan
Behavior in a Healthy Family
Behavior in a Dysfunctional Family
Al-Anon Precepts
Prolonged substance abuse is characterized by:
Loss of family, loss of friends and loss of employment are common results of substance abuse.
Children raised in dysfunctional homes tend to see themselves as different from others. They come to believe their private feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness are actually judgments of others.
Sometimes the child of an alcoholic will respond to emotional hardships by using drugs.
Substance abuse is a family disease. Changes in any part of the family system affect the system.
When the family unit stays together, life centers around the substance abuser.
Crises are a part of living. A child should be taught how to handle stress and solve problems.
Family equilibrium is broken down by disorganization, chaos and inappropriate behavior.
Substance abuse cannot be ignored by the family.
Social disruption caused by the substance abuser can have a profound effect on the entire household.
Feelings displayed or hidden in a dysfunctional family are: