Stress often arises from interactions with other people. In fact, other people are involved in most stressors, either as part of the stressor or as a potential solution. Communication, both verbal and nonverbal, is the vehicle of your interaction with others. Every relationship involves communication-from the most casual encounter with a clerk at the grocery store to a meaningful conversation with your best friend. You may say "we don't communicate" about an estranged relative, but your lack of contact is in itself a form of communication that says "stay away."

Good communication skills increase your stress resistance in several ways and influence all components of your stress cycle.

Good communication skills help create authentic relationships. Friendships are based on mutual involvement and exchange. How can you be a good friend if you are not sharing yourself with others? If you are always smiling and agreeable while keeping your true feelings to yourself, you will feel lonely since none of your relationships is truly intimate. An important element of friendship will be missing if you never share your real thoughts and feelings with anyone. Other people may "like" you and find you easy to get along with, but they will not know you, and deeper friendships will be unsatisfying and will rarely develop.

    Positive social support is an important stress buffer (Cohen, 1988; Cassel, 1974; Elliott & Gramling, 1990). Good communication skills help you create a support network of friends and acquaintances and give you the communication tools you need to access this support. Social support means other people are available to help you when you are in a high-stress period. But this support can be more or less helpful depending on how you communicate. Some people have good intentions but the things they say and do can actually make your stressful situation worse if you do not give them appropriate direction. For example, suppose you are behind in your studies and in danger of failing a course. Your well-meaning mother calls every night to be sure you are studying and to offer support and advice, but these calls just make you more anxious. After you hang up the phone, you have even more trouble concentrating on your work. What do you do? If you politely listen and respond to her calls, you are encouraging her to continue. If instead you say, "Look, Mom, if you really want to help, how about giving me some money to hire a tutor and not calling during my study time? I would love to talk on Saturday mornings when I am not feeling pressured by all my work." In this way, your communication can encourage the positive social support that increases your stress resistance.

Direct Coping

Good communication skills enhance direct coping so that you can effectively change many sources of stress. Effective communication is essential for changing many sources of stress, especially stressors that involve people with whom you find it difficult to work. Effective communication can help you address fairly simple sorts of stressors as well, such as asking for help on projects or changes in your living situation.

Good communication skills are important for implementing other stress management strategies, including problem solving and time management. When disagreements arise, good communication skills can keep you on a problem-solving track and away from personal attack. Time management involves setting limits as well as priorities. Saying no to low-priority requests and following through on your priorities and schedules is easier with good communication skills.

Poor communication often leads to anger, isolation, loneliness, and depression. These emotions are frequently the result of misunderstanding. The way you communicate teaches other people how you expect to be treated. If you say yes to every request for assistance, even when you resent the imposition, you teach others it is all right to ask and that you will do whatever they want. For example, if you always agree to watch the neighbor's children, even when you have to change your plans for the day, you teach the neighbor to keep asking because silence implies consent (Arapakis, 1990). Your resentment grows and you feel angry and stressed. When you feel misunderstood, unappreciated, and offended, you may begin to believe that others do not care about you, a mind-set that leads to isolation, loneliness, and depression.

    On the other hand, good communication helps you avoid misunderstandings. If you are not accustomed to direct communication, telling someone you cannot comply with a request or offering a contradictory opinion may make you feel uncomfortable at first, but the long-term emotional consequences will eventually be positive. Once you become more adept at setting reasonable limits and sharing your feelings, you will feel better about yourself and experience less anger. You will also feel better about your relationships with other people.

Communicate to Relate

The best reason to improve your communication skills goes beyond avoiding stress. Deep, meaningful friendships based on true relatedness provide enormous emotional fulfillment. People need more than people. We all need good relationships with people-friendships based on mutual caring and respect. But relationships are demanding, and intimate friendships are often the most demanding of all. Love is not something we "fall" into but a relationship that is sustained through honest, effective communication.

YOUR CHILDHOOD: EARLY LESSONS IN COMMUNICATION

Where do people learn how to communicate effectively? Most people grow up emulating their parents and friends; they imitate the communication styles they see. If your parents were the strong, silent type, rarely letting anyone in on their feelings, you may feel uncomfortable sharing your feelings with others. If your parents dealt with anger by suppressing it, avoiding difficult subjects, and failing to come to mutually satisfying compromises, solving problems when you feel angry may be challenging for you.

    Much has been made of the observation that children from dysfunctional families seem to have poor communication and relational skills that they carry with them into adulthood (Gravitz & Bowden, 1987). A dysfunctional family is one in which relationships are not "normal" but are strained by the presence of difficult situations, such as a family member who abuses alcohol or works too much. This strain produces chronic stress that alters family members' relationships and communication patterns with each other and with people outside the family structure. In general, adult children of alcoholics tend to seek approval and affirmation and to be somewhat fearful of expressing their true thoughts and feelings (Edlin & Golanty, 1992; Brown, 1988).

    Some observers have argued, however, that up to 96 percent of the U.S. population grows up in a family somewhat dysfunctional in nature and exhibits traits commonly ascribed to adult children of alcoholics, or adult children who grew up in some other form of dysfunctional family (Gravitz & Bowden, 1987; Peele, 1989)! This means that very few people had optimal communication role models growing up, so almost all of us can benefit from improving our communication skills, whether in conjunction with appropriate therapy to deal with the problems that underlie difficulty in communicating or simply beginning with the information outlined in this chapter.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION STARTS WITH LISTENING

When people think about improving their communication skills, most think about talking: delivering a more persuasive argument, giving a more convincing speech, or presenting themselves as more charming and entertaining conversationalists at parties. But improving communication skills really begins with awareness of the audience you are trying to reach.

Think about the friends you most enjoy spending time with, the people you have the best time talking to: lengthy conversations on the meaning of life, inspired descriptions of your secret dreams, shared confidences about personal matters-the conversations with real connection. What is it about these people that draws you to them? Probably you will remark on qualities such as feeling understood and appreciated, and sharing interests and experiences. It's not so much that your friends are good storytellers, although that is entertaining, too. More important is that your friends let you share your thoughts and feelings with them. You enjoy talking to friends who are good listeners.

    People who don't listen are boring. Have you ever met someone like this at a party-someone who could talk at length on just about any topic but rarely looked you in the eye or asked for your point of view? If cornered by such a conversation hog, you probably looked for a quick way out and more interesting company.

Effective Listening

One of the most important communication skills is effective listening (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 1995). Effective listening is more than listening to another person's words. It means trying to hear the real meaning behind those words and conveying your interest and understanding to the speaker. Learning to be an effective listener offers several advantages. When you practice effective listening, people want to be with you. Effective listening is also the best way to obtain accurate information that can be useful for anything from getting to know someone better to solving difficult problems. When you listen effectively, your own messages will be more likely to connect with your listeners, since you will have a better idea of who your listeners really are. Effective listening is also a more interesting way to spend your time (and your life) than just pretending to listen while your mind is bored and elsewhere, since real relationships with people are based on sending and receiving accurate messages. An important skill known as active listening will help you become a more effective listener.

Active listening is usually a part of the effective listening process. When you listen actively, you ask questions that will help you understand what the speaker is saying and respond so the listener can understand what you are hearing. It sounds complicated because communication often is! We all see the world differently and language cannot convey everything we truly think and feel. We can never step completely into each other's shoes.

    When conversations get emotional, active listening can provide a lifeboat in dangerous seas. Unfortunately, when we feel angry or threatened, we are more likely to cling to our habitual response patterns. To illustrate, let's use active listening to revise the following conversation between a dating couple, Jill and Kevin:

Jill: I'm really getting tired of going to parties with you every weekend. You disappear the minute we get in the door. If we do get a minute to talk, it's always with a hundred other people around over blaring music with you half-drunk.

Kevin: Well, you'd have more fun if you didn't stand around looking bored. I know you don't like my friends, but you could at least try just once not to act like you're better than everyone else.

Jill: Better than everyone else! Your friends are the ones who act like they're better than everyone else! They never even come over to talk to me unless you're there!

Kevin: So what am I supposed to do? Stay glued to your side like a trained poodle so someone will talk to you?

    Can you see what is happening here? Every conversation has a motion, a direction. This conversation has gotten off the track from Jill's original concern that she would prefer not to attend parties every weekend. The direction of this conversation is unproductive. Worse, it is hurting the individuals involved.

    Active listeners paraphrase what they hear the speaker say. To paraphrase means to put into your own words what you think someone has just said. Let's look at our previous example. This time Kevin practices active listening.

Jill: I'm really getting tired of going to parties with you every weekend. You disappear the minute we get in the door. If we do get a minute to talk, it's always with a hundred other people around over blaring music with you half-drunk.

Kevin: I thought you enjoyed going to parties with me, but it sounds like these parties are not much fun for you anymore.

Jill: What I would really like to do is go out alone with you sometimes, so we would have a chance to talk.

Kevin: It sounds to me like you might enjoy going out to eat or doing something that involves just the two of us once in a while.

Do you see how Kevin was paraphrasing some of Jill's concerns? Paraphrasing has several important effects. It tells people you are really listening and care about what they say. Paraphrasing also allows you to check whether you are interpreting the speaker's words correctly. It can help you clarify what the speaker is saying. Another benefit of active listening is that you become more involved in the conversation and are less likely to listen only partially and miss important information.

    At this point, Kevin and Jill may still be harboring some resentment toward each other, but at least they both still have their dignity intact, and they have not reached a communication stalemate where further conversation becomes only more toxic. This active listening conversation can now move in the problem-solving direction. Both Kevin and Jill can talk about what they would like to do most on weekends, and then work out a compromise.

Active Listening Helps Both Speaker and Listener

In the first conversation, both Kevin and Jill seemed to be responding defensively to a personal attack. In the second conversation, Kevin's active listening allowed Jill to lower her guard; and since she felt that Kevin cared about what she was saying, she was then more likely to be receptive to his feelings and concerns as well. Both Kevin and Jill "win" in this situation because they have a better chance to reach a positive solution to the problem and to do so without creating more layers of injury and resentment.

    Conversations such as the one above may sound phony and contrived, but you will learn how to paraphrase in your own style. Typical phrases that indicate to a speaker that you are listening include "It sounds like ... It seems to me that ... In other words ... Are you saying ... ?" The purpose of paraphrasing is to show sympathetic understanding, so avoid statements that might antagonize your speaker: "That must have been difficult because I know you can't take criticism. . . " Simply repeating what the speaker has already said is not active listening, either (and it makes you sound like a jerk). If a friend says, "That professor drives me crazy!" and you respond, "It sounds like that professor drives you crazy," you may drive your friend crazy.

Active Listening for Clarification

Active listening can help you get at underlying events, thoughts, and feelings. You may use it to clarify what your speaker is communicating. To the person who said, "That professor drives me crazy!" you might ask, "What did he do that made you angry?" or simply, "What happened?" Sometimes active listening involves a lot of guessing as you try to get to the real issue behind what the speaker is saying.

    Because it can help you clarify misunderstandings, active listening is a potent stress reducer (Steinmetz, Blankenship, Brown, Hall, & Miller, 1980). For example, a student having difficulty with a course once reported visiting a professor during her office hours only to find the professor irritable and distracted. The professor answered the student's questions in a cold, perfunctory manner that made the student quite uncomfortable. The student was insecure in this position, so he at first assumed the professor was annoyed with his boundless ignorance and almost walked out of the office in despair. Fortunately, he decided instead to clear the air and asked the professor, "Have I done something wrong? You seem annoyed with me." The professor immediately apologized: "I'm sorry. My daughter is home sick today and I am worried about her. I didn't mean to be short-tempered with you." Their discussion then became more focused and productive and both felt better about the interaction.

    In the example above, the student used active listening to clarify what was going on and to express his own concerns. He was responding to nonverbal messages: the professor's irritable manner, voice tension, body language, and so on. He "paraphrased" the professor's manner: "You seem annoyed with me." By voicing his own discomfort and concern, he was able to clarify the messages being sent by the professor. His words also conveyed what he was thinking and feeling, that the professor might be annoyed with him. Active listening allowed him to check the accuracy of his perceptions and to clarify the professor's message.

Listening with an Open Mind

When you listen with an open mind, you suspend judgment and try to understand what speakers are thinking and feeling. You are open to what they are saying. You are also focused on what the speaker is saying and are not thinking about other things. You are aware of the nonverbal messages being sent and are trying to understand the total message (McKay et al., 1995).

    Effective listening takes energy and commitment. We often listen to only part of a speaker's message. For example, we may be searching for clues about how the speaker feels toward us, looking for signs of acceptance or rejection. We may be listening for weak points in an argument and planning what we will say next to make our point. Sometimes we pretend to listen to be polite, to make people like us, or because we don't know how to get out of an encounter gracefully. We pretend to listen so someone else will take a turn listening to us (McKay et al., 1995).

    Effective listening is blocked in other ways as well. As people speak, we are often unable to hear the entire message because we have already passed judgment on what they are saying. We read their minds, finish sentences for them, and hear only what we are expecting to hear.

    Many people are afraid that open listening implies agreement. Not so. Open listening simply allows you to understand the other person better so that your reply will be more effective. It becomes especially difficult to listen with empathy and openness when speakers are angry, criticizing you, or talking about a topic you do not wish to discuss. Some conversations you can get out of. But when the speaker is a close friend, family member, co-worker, or supervisor and the issue involves you, you cannot walk away. In these cases, effective listening is essential for effective communication. Try to maintain some emotional distance-easier said than done. Focus on the behavior the person is concerned about as being separate from you, the person inside. Pretend you are a detective trying to figure out the source of that person's anger. You don't even need to respond or defend yourself at that moment. In fact, waiting for the other person to cool off can be a good move. "I can see you are very upset about my performance this past month. I'll have to think this over. May I get back to you this afternoon with my response and suggestions for improvement?" Letting people know they have been understood helps defuse the anger.

    Open listening is really a reflection of the golden rule: listen to others as you would like to be listened to. When you are expressing your feelings, you appreciate listeners who refrain from giving quick solutions and pat replies, like "Don't worry about it" or "You'll feel better tomorrow." You appreciate listeners who appreciate you and take you seriously.

    Of course, you will not choose to listen effectively to every sentence spoken to you. You may decide to ignore the chatterbox on the bus or to half-listen to idle dinner conversation. Effective listening is a must, however, when communication content becomes emotional and/or your significant relationships are involved.

Effective Listening Improves Communication with Children

Effective listening can be as powerful with children as with adults (Faber & Mazlish, 1980). It can defuse anger, help children feel better so they behave better, and open up family communication lines. Parents who listen effectively help teach their children how to express themselves better and solve problems more creatively. They also communicate love and understanding, and help their children establish healthy self-esteem. Try to think of a better active listening reply for this example:

Young child: Why do I have to go to school today? I hate going to school.

Parent: Everyone has to go to school today just like you. So quit whining and get your coat on.

    How does the child feel? His feelings went unacknowledged. He believes the parent thinks his feelings are unimportant. He still feels as bad as, if not worse than, he did before. There is nowhere for this conversation to go: stalemate.

    Did you think of a better way?

Young child: Why do I have to go to school today? I hate going to school.

Parent: Is there something about school you don't like, or is there just something else - you'd rather do?

Child: We're always going to work and school. Why can't we stay home?

Parent: I bet it does seem like we are away from home a lot, but the day after tomorrow is Saturday, and we can stay home on Saturday. Is there something special we should do together this Saturday?

Child: Will you play with my modeling clay with me?

Parent (helping child get his coat on): That sounds like fun. How about if we also spend some extra time together after dinner tonight?

    How does the child feel now? Like the parent cares. Maybe all he was asking for in the first place was more time with Mom or Dad. But unless the parent uses effective listening, he or she won't know whether the real issue is something going on at school or a different problem. Denying feelings, for people of any age, stops the motion of the conversation.

EXPRESS YOURSELF: SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

We communicate with other people for many reasons. One of the most important is a drive to express ourselves. We want to share our experiences. We communicate our thoughts and feelings so people will understand us and we may connect with others.

    Sometimes it is not easy to express ourselves, even about the simple things. We carefully censor the information about ourselves that we give people access to. We work hard to create a certain impression for our professors, supervisors, family members, and friends. This is a normal, healthy response to the complexities of human relationships, but sometimes we overdo it. Sometimes we are so busy giving the "correct" response we lose touch with our real thoughts and feelings. The other extreme is adopting an inappropriately open line of communication with everyone. Casual acquaintances at work may be embarrassed if we start giving them details of our sex life or our medical history. We might feel relieved to "let it all hang out," but others may withdraw and keep their distance from us. Each culture has unwritten rules about the level of openness that is appropriate for each type of relationship. We learn these unwritten rules by experimentation and watching others.

EMOTIONAL INTIMACY: MAKE A CONNECTION

When you share your thoughts and feelings with others, it helps them relax and share theirs with you. Sharing draws you into each other's personal space and  makes the relationship more interesting. Some sharing works even with strangers, people you've just met at a party or business function. A "right" level of openness varies with your personality, the person you are talking to, the environment, the mood of the conversation, and other factors (McKay et al., 1995).

    Each of us must cultivate at least a few relationships that allow us to be ourselves as much as possible. Sharing our thoughts and feelings helps us grow. We learn about ourselves. We enjoy emotional intimacy. Expressing our bottled up emotions, fears, sorrows, and triumphs feels good. Satisfying communication and personal relationships give us energy and increase our stress resistance.

    Research has shown that feelings of isolation and loneliness are associated with negative stress effects, including heart disease (Helgeson, 1991; Lynch, 1977; Mumford, Schlesinger, & Glass, 1982; Trelawny-Ross & Russell, 1987). Keeping your feelings bottled up means that you miss out on the stress-buffering effects of social support. Group therapy has a wonderfully healing effect because of the opportunity it offers for honest emotional sharing in a safe environment. Group therapy is a part of many recovery programs. For example, several cardiac rehabilitation programs include group therapy or discussion to encourage patients to "open their hearts" to their own emotions and make a connection to other people (Eliot, 1994; Ornish, 1990).

SEEKING SOCIAL SUPPORT: GENDER DIFFERENCES

Studies show that women are more likely than men to employ social support as a coping strategy when they feel stressed (Friedman & Berger, 1991; Hovanitz & Kozora, 1989). Sharing feelings with friends seems to occur more easily among women than men. Men in our society are more likely to lack intimate relationships and to have a weaker network of social support than women (Helgeson, 1991; Verbrugge, 1985). Some psychologists believe that males in our culture are socialized to avoid intimate communication (Burda & Vaux, 1987) and that this socialization may be associated with significant health risks for them (Harrison, 1978). But just as women receive more support from relationships, they also experience more stress from them. Compared to men, women report more stress when relationships are experiencing difficulty (Wohlgemuth & Betz, 1991).

    It is important not to overestimate the implications of these generalized observations for any given individual situation. Many men successfully develop meaningful friendships, intimate relationships, and helpful social support networks. Improving communication skills increases the strength of all relationships for both men and women.

COPING WITH CONFLICT: ASSERTIVE SELF-EXPRESSION

Interactions in which we have difficulty expressing ourselves appropriately or effectively cause stress. We feel angry if we have agreed to do something we don't think we should have to do, we are frustrated when we feel misunderstood, and we feel guilty for lashing out at a friend when the boss is the person we are angry with. Assertiveness is the hallmark of effective communication skills, the epitome of communication problem solving. Assertiveness is the effective communication of personal thoughts and feelings in a way that respects the thoughts and feelings of others (Lange & Jakubowski, 1976; Wolpe, 1958; Wolpe & Lazarus 1966). Assertiveness means standing up for your legitimate rights without violating the rights of others (Davis, Eshelman, & McKay, 1988). You are behaving assertively when you communicate your true feelings and don't let others take advantage of you while at the same time you are being considerate of others' feelings.

    The assertive communication style is more than a superficial behavior. Our words and actions reflect beliefs we hold about ourselves and our place in the world. Research has shown that people who do not assert themselves lack confidence in their feelings, beliefs, and opinions (Jakubowski-Spector, 1973; Alberti & Emmons, 1970). They are less likely to assert themselves in unpleasant social interactions and thus experience more interpersonal stress (Pitcher & Meikle, 1980).

    Assertive self-expression is a prerequisite for satisfying relationships. College students who score lower on assertiveness measures report more loneliness than do assertive students (Gambrill, Florian, & Splaver, 1986). Assertiveness reinforces the stress buffering effects of social support. Students who are more assertive derive greater benefits from relationships with others during times of stress and are less likely to suffer from depression (Elliott & Gramling, 1990). Research has shown that people who are assertive develop confidence in their ability to communicate effectively with others and to develop more satisfying relationships (Masters, Burish, Hollon, & Rimm, 1987). Some research suggests that an assertive personality style typifies stress-resistant people and that the health effects of stress may be less severe for them (Honzak, Veselkova, & Poslusny, 1989).

    Even though communication style is inextricably interwoven with one's personality, changes do occur with training. Assertiveness training and communication skills training have been found to be effective stress management techniques for a wide variety of populations (Caplan et al., 1992; Hafner & Miller, 1991; Jordan, Cobb, & McCully, 1989; Masters et al., 1987; Matheny, Aycock, Pugh, Curlette, & Cannella, 1986; Rayburn, 1986; Schinke et al., 1986; Woods, 1987).

Communication Styles: Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive

Communication behavior styles may generally be classified into three categories: passive, assertive, and agressive. An understanding of these three styles will help you better evaluate your own communication behavior and increase your assertiveness.

Passive We are passive when we follow along and let others run the show. We are passive when we don't speak up in class because we are afraid of being wrong. We never ask questions because we're afraid our lack of understanding must be our own fault. We let others take control and make the decisions, and we go along with whatever they decide or request. While saying, "I don't care, anything is fine with me," we can feel resentment building, and we blame the decision maker for our bad feelings and any problems that develop. We are passive when we fail to express our thoughts, feelings, opinions, and needs, hoping someone will guess what we are thinking by our lowered eyes, reticent voice and indirect statements: "Well, I don't know, I suppose so. . ." When others fail to be considerate and guess our needs after all we have done for them, we may find that the anger building up inside becomes overwhelming and we blow up over something small and insignificant.

Aggressive We are agressive when we need to control everything and everyone and to have things our way. Holding our feelings inside is not a problem; we are constantly expressing our needs, but we often do so without considering how our behavior is affecting other people. Our lack of sensitivity means others feel hurt, then we feel guilty and regret our lack of restraint. Sometimes, though, we feel angry at other people for getting in our way and not cooperating. We're afraid if we let down our guard, others will take advantage of us. Sometimes our aggressive behavior is a show of bravado to cover up the insecurity we feel inside. We work hard to prove our superiority by dominating meetings, discussions, and other situations, and by putting others down. Since we don't have many friends, we often feel lonely and estranged.

Assertive We act assertively when we are direct, honest, and considerate of others. We can talk about ourselves without being self-conscious, and we can express our likes and interests. We can accept both compliments and criticism. We can negotiate for what we need, disagree with what someone is saying, and ask for clarification when we don't understand something. We can set limits and say no when necessary. Assertiveness is communicating effectively with others and leads to satisfying relationships, less stress, and higher self-esteem (Davis et al., 1988; Lange & Jakubowski, 1976; Steinmetz et al., 1980). Table 8.1 summarizes some of the characteristics of the three communication styles.

    All three communication styles have their time and place. In general, the assertive style increases your stress resistance and is the clearest way to communicate, but sometimes, adopting a passive style is easier and less stressful. Suppose you buy a snack at a market where you will probably never shop again; when you open it at home two hours later, you find that it is stale. You have the right to return to the store and get your money back, but the effort may not be worth the time and energy you would spend. On the other hand, if your car mechanic charged you a lot of money but did not fix the problem with your car, you would certainly benefit by adopting an assertive approach for this situation. Choose your battles. Sometimes we are passive with authority figures: a police officer giving us a lecture instead of a citation; an elderly relative we rarely see. Also, assertive behavior and good communication skills are generally lost on people "under the influence." Say what you need to but save complete communication for a later time when they are sober.

    Similarly, an aggressive style has its time and place as well. When your health and well- being are being violated, it may be appropriate to use aggressive words and actions to protect yourself. Sexual harassment is a good example of the kind of situation in which aggression can be an appropriate response, especially if your assertiveness is being ignored. Sexual harassment is unwanted and unwelcome sexual behavior (Stein & Sjostrom, 1,994); it may manifest as offensive words or behavior. Sometimes sexual harassment continues because of a communication gap. Some harassers may not understand anything except an aggressive NO or threats of punitive action.

TABLE 8.1 Communication Styles

Communication Style and Underlying Beliefs

Our words and actions reflect beliefs we hold about ourselves and our place in the world. We discussed this concept in the section on procrastination in Chapter 7 when we looked at irrational beliefs that reinforce a tendency to procrastinate. We acquire these beliefs from the people around us, especially our families. Some of these beliefs may have been stated aloud; others may have been modeled by parents, teachers, and other important people. Table 8.2 lists some of these irrational beliefs and contrasts them with beliefs that support assertive behavior. Read them carefully and see whether you can understand why the irrational beliefs might encourage indirect, dishonest, and ineffective communication and prevent you from communicating assertively.

TABLE 8.2 Irrational and Assertive Beliefs

Source: From Martha Davis, Elizabeth Robbins Eshelman, and Matthew McKay. The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1988. Reprinted with permission by New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA, 94609.

ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

Developing a more assertive communication style does not happen overnight. For some people, becoming more assertive is very difficult. Many schools and other organizations offer communication training workshops to teach these skills and let students practice them. In general, assertiveness training helps you develop a method to address problem situations more directly and effectively. The following summary was drawn primarily from The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook by Davis and colleagues (Davis et al., 1988).

                               Revising Communication Stressors

1. Define Your Rights and Goals

Reread the irrational beliefs in Table 8.2. Are any of these your beliefs? Work to change those that create unnecessary stress in your life. You must really believe you have a right to express your opinion or your assertiveness attempts will not work.

    Have a clear objective in mind as you formulate your assertive response. This will keep the conversation focused. Suppose your roommate frequently comes in late at night after you have gone to sleep. He makes a lot of noise, and when you wake up he wants to talk for a while. Your goal might be to get him to come in quietly and not to talk to you. You'll need to tell him this explicitly rather than asking him to "be more considerate."

    Make your request as reasonable as possible. For example, you can't really ask your roommate to spend the night somewhere else if he comes home late. You can't ask him not to go out so often. But coming in quietly is a reasonable expectation that he should be able to accommodate.

2. Set the Scene

Sometimes you plan to try a more assertive approach with a problem that has been building for some time. When you have some advance warning, you can take advantage of your ability to set the scene. Your assertive approach will be easier to deliver and more openly received. When possible, arrange a mutually agreeable time and place to discuss the problem. Beforehand, take time to go over your "speech" and your goals. Use a relaxation or visualization technique to focus yourself for the meeting.

Begin with an agreement. open the conversation with some sort of positive statement that will create an open, nonthreatening atmosphere. With your roommate, begin with something you like about him or how much you used to enjoy those 2 A.M. discussions.

    Use your problem-solving techniques to define the problem as objectively as possible. As you present the problem, avoid unanswerable questions and ancient history that will get you off track. Keep the conversation focused on your goal. Be specific. Give a description, your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Tell your roommate something like the following: "Several times a week you come back after midnight, make a lot of noise, wake me up, and begin a conversation. I enjoy talking with you and these night sessions were all right last semester. But now I am feeling more pressure from my schoolwork; I have to get up earlier this semester for classes, I'm not getting enough sleep, and I resent being waked up. Could you please come in quietly and try not to wake me?"

 

  Make Your Messages Supportive of Your Listener. If your messages are supportive of the listener and don't use antagonizing words and phrases, they will be better received. When you stated the problem to your roommate, you used "I stat ements." These avoid labeling your listener and let him know you are "owning" your thoughts and feelings. If you say, "I can't believe how thoughtless you are!" you place him on the defensive, and he is less likely to respond positively to your request. The war escalates. Avoid language that might be interpreted as insulting, especially put-downs disguised as your "real feelings."

    Avoid Contaminated Messages. A contaminated message is one that communicates two different and usually incompatible thoughts at the same time (McKay et al., 1995). If you get off track and start adding messages about how lonely you are and how jealous you are that he goes out while you stay home and study, your original message is contaminated. The bottom line gets lost. He won't know what is really bothering you. Effective messages are clear, direct, and focused.

4. Use Assertive Body Language

One of the most common causes of message contamination is incongruent body language in which your voice, facial expression, posture, eyes, and hands say something different from your words. While you are making a request, your body language may be saying you don't really mean it. If your message is mumbled, rushed, and brushed over and your body language is distracted, you are not connecting with your listener; you are saying the issue is not really important. Assertive body language includes a well- balanced but relaxed posture, direct eye contact, and a confident, firm voice. Assertive body language communicates assurance, confidence, and caring. Table 8.1 describes assertive body language.

5. Use Effective- Listening to Reinforce Your Request and Find a Solution

Your listeners will be more likely to listen to you if you listen to them. When you have made your request, give your listeners time to respond and use your effective listening techniques. Try to understand their concerns and what the problems are; paraphrase to let them know you are trying to understand and come to a workable solution. Try to use their responses to reinforce your suggestion as a good solution.

You've expressed your request and listened to the response. As the discussion continues, try to control your negative emotions as you work toward a solution to the problem. Negotiating a workable compromise can be difficult when the needs of two people are quite different, but it must be done. Negotiating is a fact of life; it occurs whenever people must work or live together. From business and politics to your family's living room, compromise is required for us all to live together in a way that works.

    Sometimes a compromise evolves from your discussion. Other times you must use your problem-solving brainstorming to create a list of options, and then work through these to come up with a mutually satisfactory solution. A compromise may be more acceptable to both of you if you agree to follow it for a trial period and then reassess the situation. Some typical negotiating strategies are listed here (Davis et al., 1988):

1. I get part of what I want; you get part of what you want.
2. Try it my way this time; we'll try it your way next time.
3. If my way doesn't work this time, we'll do it your way next time.
4. I'll do X for you if you'll do this for me.

COMMUNICATING WITH AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE

Let's face it: sometimes stress is caused by unreasonable people. Sometimes life throws us a loud and obnoxious neighbor or co-worker, or we find ourselves working for a boss who seems like a volcano about to erupt. Family members with whom we must deal may have developed communication problems that no amount of practice on our end can eliminate. When dealing with aggressive people, we commonly feel out of control and become angry and aggressive ourselves. If we must continue to deal with these people, we may feel the lingering effects of such encounters clouding our lives and creating chronic stress. The following suggestions may be helpful for some situations (Davis et al., 1988; Steinmetz et al., 1980), but you may also need to find a way to minimize encounters with problematic people.

When an aggressive person unloads on you, first try the familiar active listening paraphrase technique: "You sound very angry about this." Ask questions to get the person to clarify the problem and move toward a solution.

Aggressive encounters often get sidetracked from the original issue. Do all you can to get back to the main problem. "We've gotten off the subect. You were talking about...."

When emotions are hot and active listening is not working, try to postpone the discussion until tempers have cooled. Tell the person, "This conversation is going nowhere and I need some time to think about this problem. Why don't we talk about it again first thing tomorrow morning?"

If you have made a reasonable request in an appropriately assertive manner and the other person blows up and starts ranting and raving, try the broken record technique to reinforce your request. "I know you like to play your music late but quiet hours begin at 11 P.m. I want you to turn it down at 11 or I'll have to go to the head resident." Keep repeating your request even as the other person continues to argue.

    This technique is commonly used by parents to reinforce the bottom line message with their children. It keeps them on track without unnecessary explanations. Your broken record message may also be, "I can't discuss this with you when you're screaming at me."

FAMILY COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS

They say you always hurt the ones you love. While difficult neighbors, co-workers, and friends can create a lot of tension, nothing beats family problems when it comes to chronic stress. Communication among members of a household are often built on a long history that cannot be erased with simple communication techniques. If communication problems among family members are especially difficult and have been continuing for a long time, family therapy may be helpful. A family therapist can help partners and family members uncover and correct communication problems and relationship patterns that are creating stress for the whole family.

SUMMARY

1. Stress often arises from interactions with other people.
2. Good communication skills increase stress resistance in several ways: 

a. They help you build authentic relationships and social support.

b. They enhance direct coping strategies, such as asking for change.

c. They support the implementation of other stress management strategies, such as problem solving and time management.

d. They promote healthy emotions.

e. They are essential for building intimate relationships and strong friendships. 

3. Because we acquired our communication skills haphazardly by imitating family members and friends during childhood, almost all of us can benefit from improving these skills during adolescence and adulthood.

4. Effective listening means listening carefully to a speaker's words and trying hard to understand the meaning behind the words.
5. Active listening is part of the effective listening process and refers to the practice of asking questions to help clarify the speaker's message and to convey your understanding.
6. Effective listening means listening with an open mind, without judgment or distractions.
7. Effective listening enhances communication with people of all ages, including children.
8. Each culture has unwritten rules about what level of openness is appropriate for each type of relationship.
9. The satisfying communication that occurs in deep friendships and intimate relationships increases our stress resistance, while isolation and loneliness are associated with negative stress effects, including heart disease.
10. In our culture, women are more likely than men to employ social support as a coping strategy when they are feeling stressed.
11. An assertive communication style reinforces the stress-buffering effects of social support and is associated with stress resistance.
12. Communication styles may be simplistically categorized into three different styles: passive, aggressive, and assertive.
13. People's communication styles reflect beliefs they hold about themselves and their place in the world.
14. With practice, a person can develop more effective communication skills, including a more assertive communication style.
15. An assertive communication style is especially important when you are dealing with difficult people.

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