Self-Esteem

Feeling good about yourself increases your stress resistance in many ways. When you have the self-confidence that results from a healthy self-esteem, you can get into the flow of life. Instead of feeling blocked by self-consciousness, you can focus instead on the challenges at hand and solve problems more effectively. Having faith in yourself enhances your ability to do your best, and this improves your performance and helps you feel successful. Feeling successful in turn reinforces your positive self-esteem. When your self-esteem is strong, mountains become molehills. A positive self-regard attracts others; when you are happier with yourself, you are happier with life and are a pleasure to be with. A healthy self-esteem is essential to clear communication. When you value yourself, you value your thoughts and feelings and can express them more clearly to others. A positive self-esteem allows you to give more of yourself and enjoy other people. Best of all, a positive self-regard gives you freedom, the freedom to try new things, to make the most of opportunities, to be the best you can be, and to get the most out of life.

Most of us use the term self-esteem to refer to our basic self-regard-how we feel about ourselves. The word esteem means a favorable opinion or judgment. In this section, the term self-esteem refers to what psychologists call global self-esteem, which means a general sense of self-worth. Self-esteem is the evaluative component of self-concept, which refers to a broader concept of who we are (Blascovich & Tomaka, 1991; Byrne, 1996; Campbell, 1990). Self-concept is how we might describe ourselves; self-esteem is our evaluation of this description. For example, a person might believe that he is a poor dancer, but this part of his self-concept may have little or no influence on his self-esteem, unless he places a high value on dancing skill. A person who feels socially inept might feel his inability to shine on the dance floor contributes to his social inadequacy. In this example, the concept of being a poor dancer contributes to low self-esteem.

    Sometimes people are interested in self-esteem in specific areas. You might consider yourself very competent in certain areas but less able in others. For example, you might have a great deal of confidence in your scholastic ability but feel shy and unsure of yourself in social situations. Or maybe you're not doing so well in school, but the kids on the basketball team you volunteer to coach are having a terrific experience. Researchers have suggested several important areas of self-esteem, including social confidence, scholastic ability, appearance, and physical ability (Fleming & Courtney, 1984). Self- esteem in the areas of career choice and job performance are also important. All areas contribute to your global self-esteem. The more you value the area, the greater will be its contribution. Most of the information presented in this chapter can be applied to both global and situational self- esteem problems.

SELF-ESTEEM AND YOUR PERCEPTION OF STRESS

Like most of the other topics in this book, self-esteem influences many parts of the stress cycle. It is included in this section on perception because its effects are felt most strongly here. You have learned that your perception of the demands you are facing determines whether you interpret them as stressors or not. Similarly, your perceptions of yourself and your abilities influence your appraisal of your ability to cope effectively with a challenge. Suppose you have a paper to write. You know by now that writing a paper does not inherently cause stress. The stress comes when you perceive that you lack the resources and ability to cope effectively with the demands of writing that paper. People with low self-esteem are more likely to underestimate their abilities, which makes the demand seem more stressful.

SELF-ESTEEM, COPING ABILITY, AND STRESS

Self-esteem is directly related to your ability to cope effectively with stress. Low self-esteem makes demands seem more stressful, and people with low self-esteem are more likely than others to experience higher levels of fear, which increase their anxiety and inhibit their problem-solving ability. Poor coping skills mean stress. Low self-esteem has been associated with many forms of stress, including loneliness (Peplau & Perlman, 1982), social anxiety (Leary, 1983), depression (Flett, Hewitt, Blankstein, & O'Brien, 1991; Flett, Hewitt, & Mittelstaedt, 1991; McLennan, 1987; Tarlow & Haaga, 1996), substance abuse (Caplan et al., 1992), eating disorders (Frederick & Grow, 1996), job burnout (Golembiewski & Kim, 1989), and alienation (Johnson, 1973). Students with low self-esteem are more likely than others to procrastinate (Beswick, Rothblum, & Mann, 1988). Procrastination then creates stress as students work frantically to meet impending deadlines and find themselves producing poor-quality work. People with inadequate self-esteem sometimes find themselves stuck in destructive relationships with people who put them down, all the while blaming themselves for causing the other person's anger (Johnson, 1986). People with low self-esteem often lack the type of social support that is helpful for solving problems. If they consider themselves unlikable, they may have difficulty seeking meaningful relationships with others. Disappointing relationships, lack of social support, poor problem solving skills, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and expectations that things will not go well lead to feelings of distress and a higher susceptibility to stress-related illness.

    Of particular concern is the observation that a low level of self-esteem keeps the stress cycle turning in a downward spiral. People who expect to fail often do. When they perceive a stressor to be too challenging for them, they give up too easily. They believe the challenge to be unmanageable and their coping responses to be ineffective (Folkman & Lazarus, 1980; Leventhal & Nerenz, 1982). Their poor attempt then confirms their initial low opinion of themselves, and the cycle is repeated over and over. A low self-esteem turns challenges into stressors; negative thoughts and feelings lead to inadequate coping, failure, and a further decline in self-esteem.

    A healthy self-esteem is based on a loving but accurate self-assessment. It should not be confused with egotism, self-centeredness, or snobbishness. People with an artificially inflated self-esteem have fragile egos that are easily bruised; consequently, they experience a great deal of stress and cope in maladaptive ways (Baumeister, Smart, & Boden, 1996).

SELF-ESTEEM AND STRESS RESISTANCE

Several studies have found that people with high levels of self-esteem cope more effectively with stress and are more resistant to its negative health effects (Antonucci, Peggs, & Marquez, 1989; Aspinwall & Taylor, 1992; DeLongis, Folkman, & Lazarus, 1988; Fleishman, 1984; Norris & Murrell, 1984). A healthy self-esteem enhances coping ability by giving people the confidence they need to confront and solve, rather than avoid, difficult problems (Taylor & Brown, 1988). One study of factors associated with successful adjustment of first-year students to college found that positive self-esteem was related to greater use of direct coping strategies, better adjustment to college, and better health (Aspinwall & Taylor, 1992).

    A healthy self-esteem is essential for changing problematic behavior patterns. A positive self-regard increases the likelihood that a person can devise or follow recommendations for lifestyle changes that improve stress resistance, such as managing time and exercising (Feuerstein, Labbe, & Kuczmierczyk, 1986). People with high self-esteem feel more powerful; they feel as though they have some control over the course of events. People who score low in self-esteem are more likely to feel relatively powerless and have a fatalistic view of life, believing that chance occurrences or other people are more influential than they themselves. Increasing a person's sense of control may help alleviate stress by increasing that person's selfesteem as well (Phares, 1976).

Ideally, self-esteem is based on an inherent sense of self-worth, independent of what you achieve (or fail to achieve) from day to day. You are worthy because of your uniqueness and the potential you hold inside. Like every other person, you have special talents and in your own way you are trying to do the best with what you have. You need to believe that the basic spirit inside you is good, kind, loving, and lovable in spite of today's transitory problems. Too often our definitions of ourselves are based on our performance. While your achievements are an important part of who you are and contribute to your self-esteem, you will find yourself in a precarious position if your sense of self is defined solely by your achievements. What happens when you have a bad day? Take a difficult course? Try something new and aren't perfect right away? Get sick and can't work? Take a leave of absence from your job to raise children? Retire? When the external world fails to provide you with positive feedback and you no longer have a yardstick to measure your selfworth, your self-esteem is in jeopardy.

    Adolescence is a time when self-esteem changes for many people, as they emerge from the blind securities of childhood into a redefinition of themselves that does not yet have the grounding of long-term experience with life (Bower, 1991). During adolescence, girls are generally more likely to experience a decline in self-esteem than boys (Pipher, 1994). College years, often full of tumultuous change, have a strong effect on self-esteem, ideally increasing self-regard as one acquires new skills, knowledge, and experiences. Sometimes, however, college experiences only challenge further an already shaky foundation.If this is the case for you, it might be some comfort to realize that you have a great deal of company!

    Low self-esteem can be a potent stressor at any age. Judging and rejecting yourself is a very painful experience. People who find that they rarely feel good about themselves may begin with the information presented in this chapter, but they will need more help and should seek it from a health professional.

WHERE DOES SELF-ESTEEM COME FROM?

The development of self-esteem begins in infancy, continues over the years, and constantly changes with your experiences. It initially takes shape out of messages you receive about yourself from others, especially people important to you. In early childhood, important people include family members and others who take care of you. Psychologists believe that infants learn in the first year or two whether their environment is friendly and responsive or hostile and frustrating. Infants and young children learn whether people respond to them with acceptance or disdain, which presumably lays the early groundwork for self-esteem (Pelham & Swann, 1989). Children who receive primarily positive and supportive messages and find the world a predictable and orderly place develop an underlying sense of "I must be OK'; conversely, children who encounter negative and confusing messages develop the feeling "Something is wrong; I must not be OK." Later the self-esteem input circle enlarges to include friends, teachers, and the world at large. It includes not only feelings you have from your interactions with others but also ideas you form about the importance of various attributes (Blascovich & Tomaka, 1991; Byrne, 1996). Your self-esteem is influenced by many things: experiences with such things as recreational activities, schoolwork, sports, hobbies, significant others, and later, work-related activities, earning power, relationships with family members, co- workers, and supervisors.

    Remember, too, the difference between self-concept and self-esteem. Self-esteem grows not only from a sense of how we are doing in various areas but the evaluation of how important these areas are to us (Pelham & Swann, 1989). The discrepancy between where we are and where we should be also affects self-esteem. We all compare ourselves and how we are doing in different areas of our lives to our ideal of how well we think we should be doing. We also compare ourselves and how we think we are doing to other people and how we perceive them to be doing (Buunk, Collins, Taylor, Van Yperen, & Dakof, 1990). Our perception of how others are doing is influenced by many things, including what others tell us and media images. If we believe we are doing about as well as we should be doing, or are at least headed in the right direction, we feel good about ourselves. If we feel we are falling below the standards we have adopted as ideal, we find fault with ourselves.

Self-esteem is gradually acquired from messages you receive, experiences you have, and ideas you form; therefore, you can change your self-esteem by changing these inputs. Anything that is learned can be relearned. Improving self-esteem means taking some control of the messages, experiences, and ideas that shape it. You become the gatekeeper for the information that is allowed to pass into the self-esteem chamber. You can learn to examine your self-talk and interpretation of events, the judgments you pass on yourself, the expectations you have about how you should be doing, and the ways in which you compare yourself to others. Many people have found that the cognitive restructuring techniques introduced in the last chapter are helpful for improving self-esteem. Examining and challenging irrational beliefs that underlie self criticism can help you change the perceptions and negative selftalk that contribute to low self-esteem. If you follow these suggestions, your self-esteem will slowly but surely improve. The rest of this chapter presents ways to help you improve your self-esteem.

Just as self-esteem affects perception, so too does your perception influence self-esteem. If you monitored your self-talk to uncover automatic thoughts and irrational beliefs as suggested in Chapter 12, you may already have observed perceptions that influence the way you think about yourself and your abilities. Much of the monologue that runs through our heads, interpreting and judging events around us, spews out commentary on our own abilities and performance as well: "I'm no good at math; I'll never understand this stuff." "No one is asking me to dance because I'm overweight." "I'm the only one who hasn't been invited to a party this weekend." Try to figure out what types of situations activate sessions of critical self-talk; these may be the areas that need some work.

    Evan's story in the Student Stress box provides an important lesson. As you challenge critical self-talk, you must be sure to address the reasons you have fallen into a critical self-talk habit in the first place. For many, such self-talk and the maintenance of low self-esteem are actually ways of coping with stress, albeit somewhat self-defeating ones (Driscoll, 1989; Rich & Dahlheimer, 1989). You may need to correct underlying irrational beliefs and overcome the cognitive distortions that provide fertile ground for the seeds of critical self-talk.

Take a look at these irrational beliefs from Chapters 8 and 12. These are often associated with critical self-judgment and low self-esteem:

1. You must be unfailingly competent and almost perfect in all you undertake.

2. You should feel fear or anxiety about anything that is unknown, uncertain, or potentially dangerous (and projects at which you could potentially fail).

3. When people disapprove of you, it invariably means you are wrong or bad.
4. Your worth as a person depends on how much you achieve and produce.
5. It is shameful to make mistakes.

    Research has shown that both depression and low self-esteem are related to irrational beliefs, especially those that reinforce high self-expectations and demand for approval, along with feelings of anxiety, helplessness, and a tendency to avoid rather than face problems (McLennan, 1987).

Cognitive distortion means you look for evidence to support your low opinion of yourself. Cognitive distortions that reinforce low self-esteem include seeing where you fall short rather than appreciating your achievements (Epstein, 1992). An example is getting back a term paper with the professor's comments all over it and a B+ grade. You may have noticed by now that professors are notorious for pointing out things that could be improved and neglecting to emphasize things done well. They say it is their job to spur students on to try harder and perform better. But to a student with low self-esteem, receiving these papers can be rather intimidating. If you look at the paper and the comments, and think "This is a disaster. I sure blew this one," that is cognitive distortion. You are focusing on what needs improvement, not on how much you accomplished. After all, a B+ is not a bad grade, the paper got written, and hopefully you learned something.

    Here are a few more examples: a friend compliments you on your outfit. You decide, "She must be getting ready to ask for a favor," or "I'm such a boring person she can't think of anything else to say." In other words, you perceive events in a way that reinforces the belief that you are inferior.

    Cognitive distortion produces the most harm when you are already feeling down, but research suggests that if you have poor self-esteem, this is when cognitive distortion is most likely to occur. People with low self-esteem have a greater tendency to dwell on negative thoughts and memories when feeling low, whereas those with positive self-esteem are better able to generate positive thoughts to combat a negative mood and feelings of stress (Smith & Petty, 1995).

4. Be Wary of Comparison

It is human nature to compare ourselves to others (Buunk et al., 1990; Taylor &  Loebel, 1989). Comparing ourselves to those we perceive to be doing worse than we are makes us feel good. In a perverse sort of way, we enjoy accounts of others' misfortunes because it makes us feel better off. Others' failures are our successes. On the other hand, if we are always comparing ourselves (or being compared to) a successful sibling, friend, colleague, or other figure, we are set up for failure. We may not be able to match that level of achievement in the sphere of concern. Keep in mind that while this person may be doing better in the area of career development (or whatever), you have built a wonderful support system of good friendships, or you are going to nationals with the tennis team. Don't try to be someone else; respect and appreciate yourself for who you are.

Instead of looking for your weaknesses, allow yourself to feel good about your strengths. Complete the Positive Self-Image Worksheet on pages 286-287 and remind yourself of your strengths, successes, and areas of progress from time to time. These reminders can be used to challenge and replace critical self-talk.

6. Cultivate an Optimistic Self-Regard

Optimists look for evidence that life is good and that they are doing all right. They tend to believe that they will generally experience positive outcomes in life. A generous appraisal of your talents enhances self-esteem, increases stress resistance, improves health, and gives you the strength to shoot for the stars (Scheier & Carver, 1993).

    You may not be able to change some aspects of your appearance, personality, or talents, but you can use your cognitive restructuring skills to reframe the importance of these characteristics. If you are a lousy singer but can decide not to base your self-esteem on your singing ability, you will feel better. Increase your regard for your strengths and minimize your evaluation of qualities that are not really important. So you are not tall and thin like the models or muscular like a body builder. You decide that people come in all shapes and sizes and you are doing the best with what you have. You exercise to manage stress and stay healthy, and you realize that having emotional stability is preferable to developing an obsession with body image.

    When it comes to a healthy self-esteem, you must learn to believe in your unconditional worth. That kernel of "you-ness" on the inside is special just because you are you, a unique individual, with a unique potential, doing your best with what you've been given. You must regard yourself with compassion and unconditional love, for you are special.

    People with a healthy self-esteem understand the importance of lightening up and not taking themselves too seriously. The ability to laugh at yourself is an essential survival skill. A sense of humor is an important stress buffer and is associated with positive self-esteem (Overholser, 1992).

7. Set and Achieve Goals

While self-esteem must not be based solely on achievement, most people find achievement and competence reinforcing (Mull, 1991). Knowing that you can set and achieve personal goals enhances self-esteem. Now that you have taken stock of your strengths, you might try setting some attainable goals in areas of interest to you. Creative writing? An art or craft? A sports activity you enjoy? Maybe you enjoy the theater. Volunteer to help out with the next play on campus, or if you want to perform, try out for a part.

    As you think about interests and goals, think also about diversifying your involvements. We have said that putting all your life-satisfaction eggs in one basket is risky. The same goes for self-esteem. If your self-esteem is based solely on your school performance, what happens when things are not going well at school, or you graduate? Self-esteem plummets. So try to think of two or three realistic, attainable goals that will increase your self-regard and help diversify your strengths. By the way, volunteer work is a great self-esteem enhancer!

8. View Mistakes as Lessons That Further Self-Development

A low self-esteem makes you feel especially bad when you make mistakes or when you receive a correction or suggestion for improvement, for you take them as evidence that you are not a good person. In his book Building Self-Esteem, Glenn Schiraldi recommends a very effective skill-building activity called Nevertheless (Schiraldi, 1993). The Nevertheless skill helps you acknowledge mistakes while affirming your basic self-worth. People with, low self-esteem are likely to use "Because ... therefore" thinking, such as "Because of (some external condition), therefore I am no good." Schiraldi encourages students to replace "because ... therefore" thinking with "even though ... nevertheless." Rather than "Because I said the wrong thing in class, therefore I am not a good person," try thinking "Even though I said the wrong thing in class, nevertheless I'm still a good person."

    Mistakes are an important part of life. They must be used appropriately and viewed as lessons to further your self development. People who are afraid of making mistakes never try anything new; when you try something new, you will of course not be perfect. Likewise, being overly sensitive about others' opinions of how you are performing is paralyzing. Take responsibility for your mistakes but learn to view them as learning experiences and as part of the package of life. Stressresistant people realize that everyone makes mistakes, including themselves. Look for the lessons in your mistakes, and then forgive yourself. After all, you were doing the best you could at that moment (McKay & Fanning, 1997).

While people must not rely entirely on others' opinions for their self-concept, everyone needs to feel loved and lovable.

    Dance teachers tell a wonderful story of a ballerina participating in a dance class. At one point in the class, trying a movement in a new way, she fell (a terrible mistake for a dancer). But the teacher recognized that she was taking a risk and stretching herself to achieve new heights, and she moved the dancer up to the next class level to reward her trying.

Just as it is important not to put all your life satisfaction eggs in one basket, so too should you diversify your social connections. Develop friendships with many different people. Friends provide the connectedness that is so essential for healthy self-esteem (Clemes, Bean, & Clark, 1990; Elliott, 1992). While people must not rely entirely on others' opinions for their self-concept, everyone needs to feel loved and lovable. When you feel respected and valued, your self-esteem is strengthened.

Isn't this what stress management is really all about? As you work through the material in this book, self-knowledge and self-acceptance are two of your goals. They are part of your lifelong journey. These will enhance your self-esteem and increase your stress resistance. Take time out to get to know yourself better. Make occasions to do things you enjoy doing alone.

11. Take Good Care of Yourself

Positive health behaviors help you feel good and feel good about yourself Regular physical activity improves mood and self-esteem (Sonstroem & Morgan, 1989). Enough sleep and a healthful diet are essential for a positive outlook and the energy you need to maintain a healthy self-esteem during times of stress.

SUMMARY

1. Self-esteem is the evaluative component of self-concept, which refers to a broader concept of who you are. Self-esteem refers to how you feel about yourself.

2. Global self-esteem refers to your general sense of self-worth. Self-esteem can also be studied and discussed in regard to a specific area, such as social confidence, scholastic ability, appearance, and physical ability. All areas contribute to global self-esteem. The more you value a given area, the greater is its contribution.

3. Self-esteem affects your perception of stressors and your ability to cope with a given stressor. Poor self-esteem makes stressors seem more challenging than they actually are because you underestimate your coping abilities.

4. People with low self-esteem are more likely to experience higher levels of fear under stress, and this increases their anxiety and inhibits their problem-solving ability.

5. Low self-esteem has been associated with many forms of stress, including loneliness, social anxiety, depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, job burnout, and alienation.

6. A healthy self-esteem should not be confused with egotism, self-centeredness, or snobbishness. People with artificially inflated self-esteem actually have fragile egos that are easily bruised; they often cope in maladaptive ways.

7. A healthy self-esteem is associated with effective coping and stress resistance. A healthy self-esteem is associated with a sense of control as opposed to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

8. A healthy self-esteem is based on an inherent sense of self-worth.

9. Adolescence is a time when self-esteem changes for many people. College experiences can either enhance or challenge your self-esteem.

10. The development of self-esteem begins in infancy and is based on feedback received from the people who take care of you. Later, the self-esteem circle enlarges to include friends, teachers, and the world at large. Experiences with recreational activities, schoolwork, sports, hobbies, work, and significant others all influence self-esteem.

11. You can improve your self-esteem by learning to view mistakes as lessons that further your self-development, by challenging negative self-talk, by changing irrational beliefs and cognitive distortion, and by learning to respect and appreciate yourself for who you are rather than comparing yourself to others. Reminding yourself of your strengths, cultivating an optimistic self-regard, and achieving goals help improve your self-esteem as well. Self-esteem grows when you strengthen your social support network and improve your stress management skills.

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