9

Responding to Criticism

In the workplace, criticism is used daily to control. Much of the stress and imbalance in our everyday lives comes from the criticism others toss our way. An argument, a rude or critical comment, a rejection, or a reprimand can elicit the same physiological response or cause stress as an attack by a mugger.

It is important to understand the critic's motive. Here are some of the motives:

    n Dominate and control

    n Put you down

    n Get attention

    n Protect self interest

    n Manipulate

    n Undermine

    n Motivate growth

    n Punish or get even

    n Improve relationships

    n Communicate feelings

    n Improve job performance

    n Vent feelings

Sometimes it's easy to examine the critic's words and place them in one of these categories. Sometimes, however, it is difficult to determine the critic's intent because it's so well hidden or it may merely be a communication style. The important thing to remember is that we can give up our personal power depending on our response to criticism. It is often from our critics that we learn about ourselves and the manner in which we can improve our performance and relationships.

Most of us respond to criticism in one of three ways:

v Withdraw into ourselves, possibly gritting our teeth and vowing to "get even" later in some way or another;

v Take a defensive posture, attempting to justify ourselves with verbal expressions;

v We counterattack, exploding in anger at the source of the criticism.

Defending yourself is a poor course of action to take in handling criticism because it gives your critic more ammunition. In addition, he or she will feel pressed to defend the original criticism, and the discussion will heat up.

Criticism can be defined as either negative or positive, as described below:

Negative criticism is motivated by a negative intent which does not produce growth. Instead, the victims of negative intent often end up with diminished power, status, and self-esteem.

Positive criticism is spurred by a positive intent, expressing concern or a desire to solve a problem, which can produce growth. It empowers and enhances both status and self-esteem. When criticism has a positive intent and delivery, both parties benefit in improved performance, better communication, and more fulfilling personal relationships.

In order to reflect on criticism and how you respond, take a look at the self-test below to determine your feelings. There are no right or wrong answers; just complete the sentences.

How I Handle Criticism

1. When criticized, I feel ________________________________________________

2. When criticized by my colleagues, I ______________________________________

3. When criticized by my manager, or someone in authority, I_____________________

4. I am critical of_______________________________________________________

5. I am critical of myself because___________________________________________

6. I learned to be critical of myself from______________________________________

7. To stop being critical of myself, I_________________________________________

8. To stop being critical of others, I_________________________________________

Merrill Heldman describes the four don'ts in responding to criticism:

    Ò Don't defend.

    Ò Don't deny.

    Ò Don't counterattack.

    Ò Don't withdraw.

[Merrill Heldman. When Words Hurt: How to Keep Criticism from Undermining Your Self-Esteem (New York: Ballantine Books 1990), 131].

We learned the four don'ts when we were very young, and they have become almost automatic responses to criticism. Nobody likes to be criticized. We must concentrate on how we can change our thoughts and behaviors when we are criticized so we can then change our negative feelings and stop giving up our personal power. Real power comes from knowledge about ourselves, no matter the source. Mere suggestions can be construed as criticism, especially when we are feeling fragile, vulnerable, or even fatigued.

q Defend. Being defensiveness is neither productive nor professional. In a professional health care environment, making excuses is not responsible or effective.

The job needs to be done, and making excuses only makes us look foolish. Excuses compound problems instead of solving them. Being defensive gets in the way of listening. To make criticism effective, we have to listen to it. If we are too busy making excuses, we are unable to listen thoughtfully.

q Deny. We often resort to denial when we are confronted with criticism. Many times an honest answer is all that is necessary to get the job done. When we deny the source of the criticism, we make ourselves look and feel ridiculous. It is easy to use denial without even thinking, especially when others put us on the spot, unexpectedly.

q Counterattack. Counterattack is used as a power and control tool. Children use this method because they have not yet learned problem-solving techniques or rational, mature thinking. People who rely on this method are usually successful in silencing their critics, and they feel good because they think they have gained power and control by venting their emotions. Using this process, however, stops rational thinking. It also stops two-way communication and problem-solving, and it can build resentment or can lead to hidden aggression and lethal paybacks. Counterattacks create fear and hostility. Counterattacks isolate and block creative solutions and communication skills. People who use counterattacks may win the battle, but they always lose the war.

q Withdraw. When we withdraw from criticism, we find it easier to accommodate others' wishes rather than press for what we want. Many times it is because we have learned that passive behavior brings peace or rewards even if it erodes our sense of personal power and lowers our self-esteem. This method of dealing with criticism can deeply affect our personal value and even our ability to control the direction of our life. We hold anger and frustration inside, and the longer we do this the less capable we are of claiming our personal power. We may even wallow in self-pity. Instead, we need to claim our personal power by learning communication skills to deal with others' criticisms in straightforward ways.

One way to change this mind-set is to practice positive affirmation. Often our opinions and our ideas have great merit, but when we keep them and our feelings bottled up inside we not only prevent our personal growth but we also retard our effectiveness in our workplace and our relationships.

It is important to plan ways to deal with criticism. If we are not prepared, criticism can cause our feelings to overshadow and undermine our thinking. One tactic that is effective in dealing with criticism is to respond by saying, "I would like to think about this and discuss it with you later."

This gives us time to reorganize our thoughts and to develop a rational response. We then will be less likely to respond with one of the four don'ts. We will find that more choices are available to us and we will come to better understand ourselves and our critics.

There are also numerous ways to defuse criticism, as outlined by Terry Whittacker:

ü Ask for more information.

ü Agree with part or some of the criticism.

ü Agree with the possibility that your critic could be right.

ü Recognize that your critic has an opinion.

ü Recognize that there are other options.

ü Agree with observations or a description of behavior, but not with the implied or overt judgment.

ü Use a little humor.

[Terry Whittacker. What You Think of Me is None of My Business (Denver, Colorado: Wolinski Publishers, 1992), 201].

Kathleen Adams has made many contributions to the literature on the subject of criticism and offers numerous techniques in dealing with criticism, as summarized below:

ü Prepare yourself, taking time to listen and plan your responses before speaking.

ü Ask your questions in a steady, confident, but not counter-attacking voice.

ü Establish and maintain eye contact, which helps you stay in control and equalize the power balance.

ü Ask questions about behavior or performance that is criticized; ask for concrete facts instead of accepting generalizations.

ü Take time to think about a rational response to the criticism. Be clear, but not dramatic. Take responsibility for your feelings; remember, no one can make us feel anything.

ü Remember, you are negotiating a change in behavior or performance, not attacking the other person.

ü Encourage your critic to state what is expected to be gained by the change they are asking for.

ü Be careful to avoid judgments and labels. Judgmental words reflect opinions, always stick to the facts.

ü Remember that you are a remarkable human being and mistakes made can be important in the learning and growing process.

[Kathleen Adams. Mightier Than the Sword (New York: Warner Books, 1994), 149].

There are certain times when it is appropriate to give criticism and the following guidelines will help you prepare:

Guidelines for Giving Criticism

ü Wait for your feelings and thoughts to be in balance before speaking.

ü Know your intent.

ü Know your desired outcome.

ü Criticize or object to behavior, something that the person can change, not the person.

ü Avoid sarcasm, and the words like "always", "never" or "should."

ü Be prepared for a variety of responses.

ü Remain open and flexible.

ü Don't apologize for your confrontation.

ü Don't forget to compliment others.