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Assertiveness Skills

Do you ever feel helpless or powerless in a conflict situation? Do you sometimes get pushy to make yourself heard? Is it difficult for you to make your wishes known to others? Are you sometimes pushed around by others because of your inability to stand up for yourself? Numerous examples may come to mind: a boss expressing unnecessary verbal criticism; an unresolved feud with a colleague; or a confrontation with a physician, in front of a patient.

Even such physical complaints as headaches, general fatigue, stomach disturbances, rashes, and asthma may be related to a failure to develop assertive behavior. These are the times when you are telling yourself that you need to develop some assertiveness skills. You can be healthier, more in charge of yourself in relationships, more confident and capable, and more spontaneous in expressing your feelings. It will also provide the benefit of finding yourself more admired by others as well.

Aggression and assertion are commonly confused, but assertive behavior does not push others around, deny their rights, or run over people. Assertiveness reflects genuine concern for everybody's rights.

Being assertive is your right. Assertiveness is an alternative to personal powerlessness and manipulation. Every human being is of equal value; encouraging assertiveness and positive relationships between and among persons who respect and value each other is essential in health care today. Assertiveness is a tool for making your relationships equal, for avoiding the one-down feeling that often comes when you fail to express what you really want.

Assertive behavior can promote equality in human relationships, enabling individuals to act in their own best interests, standing up for themselves without anxiety, and exercising personal rights without denying the rights of others. There is no one "right way" to handle certain events, but there are some elements to help you gain confidence and effectiveness in your relationships with others. Let's examine those elements in greater detail:

¶ To promote equality in human relationships means to put both parties on equal footing, to restore the balance of power by giving personal power to the "underdog," or to make it possible for everyone to gain and no one to lose.

¶ To act in your own best interest refers to the ability to make your decisions about career, relationships, life style and time changes, to take initiatives, starting conversations and organizing activities, to trust your judgment and to participate socially.

¶ To stand up for yourself includes behaviors such as saying no, setting limits on time and energy, responding to criticism or put-downs or anger, expressing support or defending an opinion.

¶ To express feeling honestly and comfortably means the ability to disagree, to show anger, to show affection or friendship, to admit fear or anxiety, or to be spontaneous, without painful anxiety.

¶ To exercise personal rights relates to being a valuable member of an organization, to work for change, and to respond to violations of one's rights or those of others.

¶ To not deny the rights of others is to accomplish the above personal expressions without unfair criticism of others, without hurtful behavior toward others, without manipulation or controlling gestures.

Thus, assertive behavior is a positive self-affirmation that also values other people in your life. It contributes both to your personal life satisfaction and to the quality of your relationship with others. Being assertive also may increase self-esteem, reduce anxiety, gain a greater respect for yourself and others, and improve ability to communicate more effectively with others.

Samuel Bower has described several key points about assertive behavior. Assertive behavior is:

„ Self-expressive

„ Respectful of the rights of others

„ Honest

„ Direct and firm

„ Equal expression, benefiting self and relationships

„ Verbal, including the content of the message (feelings, rights, facts, opinions, requests and limits)

„ Nonverbal, including the style of the message (eye contact, voice, posture and facial expression):

    •     Appropriate for the person and the situation

    •     Socially responsible

    •     Learned, not inborn

[Samuel Bower. Asserting Yourself (Reading, Massachusetts: Addison-Wesley Publishers, 1996), 203].

The person who typically behaves non-assertively is likely to think of an appropriate response after the opportunity has passed. An aggressive response, on the other hand, may make a deep and negative impression for which one may be sorry later. By developing a more adequate menu of assertive skills and techniques, choosing appropriate and self-fulfilling responses in a variety of situations is possible.

Barriers to Self Expression

In learning to value themselves and express feelings directly and honestly, often there are particularly difficult barriers to self-assertion, as described below:

q Many individuals don't believe they have the right to be assertive.

q Many individuals are highly anxious or fearful about being assertive.

q Many individuals lack the skills and techniques for effective self-expression.

q Despite important gains, society's rewards for appropriate assertive behavior are still limited.

q The worlds of family, school, work and church all have made it difficult to act assertively.

q Assertion is often actively discouraged, in subtle, or not so subtle ways.

Components of Assertive Behavior

There are several components that can contribute to an assertive act and are described in detail below:

u Eye contact. One of the most obvious aspects of behavior when talking to another person is where you look. If you look directly at the person as you speak, it helps to communicate your sincerity and to increase the directness of your message.

If you look down or away much of the time, you present a lack of confidence. At the same time, if you stare too intently, the other person may feel an uncomfortable invasion.

Eye contact may be improved by a conscious effort, in small steps. Be aware of your eyes as you talk with others, and attempt to gradually optimize your eye attention in conversation.

u Body posture. As you watch other people talking with each other, carefully observe how each is standing or sitting. You'll be surprised at the number of individuals who talk with someone with their bodies turned away from that person. In a situation in which you are called upon to stand up for yourself, it may be useful to do just that, stand up. An active and erect posture while facing the other person directly, lends additional assertiveness to your message.

u Distance/physical contact. Distance from another person does have a considerable effect upon communication. Standing or sitting very closely, or touching, suggest intimacy in a relationship, unless the person happens to be in a crowd or in very cramped quarters. Coming too close may offend the other person, and make him or her defensive. It can be worthwhile to check out verbally how the other person feels about your closeness.

u Gestures. Accentuating your message with appropriate gestures can add emphasis, openness, and warmth. A relaxed use of gestures can add depth or power to your message. Movement can also suggest openness and self-confidence.

u Facial expression. Effective assertions require an expression that agrees with the message. An angry message is clearest when delivered with a straight, non-smiling action. A friendly communication should not be delivered with a dark frown. Let your face say the same things your words are saying.

u Voice, tone, inflection and volume. The way we use our voices is a vital element in our communications. The same words spoken through clenched teeth in anger offer an entirely different message than when they are whispered in fear. Voice is one of the easiest components of behavior on which to gain accurate feedback these days. A small cassette recorder can be used to "try out" different styles of your voice.

If you can control and use your voice effectively, you have acquired a powerful tool in your self-expression. Practice with a recorder, trying out different styles until you achieve a style you like. Consider listening to your tone, inflection and volume.

u Fluency. A smooth flow of speech is a valuable asset to get your point across in any type of conversation. Clear and slow comments are more easily understood and more powerful than rapid speech which is erratic and filled with long pauses. Again, the tape recorder is a valuable tool. Use the machine to practice by talking on a familiar subject for thirty seconds. Then listen to yourself, noticing pauses of three seconds or more and fillers, such as "uhhh" and "you know."

u Timing. Hesitation may diminish the effectiveness of your assertion. But it is never too late to be assertive. Even though the ideal moment may have passed, you will usually find it worthwhile to go to the person later and express your feelings.

u Listening. This component is perhaps the most difficult both to describe and to change, yet it may be the most important. Assertive listening involves an active commitment to the other person. It requires your full attention, and calls for no overt act on your part, although eye contact and certain gestures, such as nodding, are often appropriate. It requires that you avoid expressing yourself for a time, yet is not a nonassertive act. Effective listening involves giving feedback to the other person, so that it is clear that you understood what was said.

Assertive listening consists of three elements. First element asks you to tune in to the other person, by stopping activities, turning off the TV, ignoring other distractions, and focusing your energy in his or her direction. It also requires attending to the message, by making eye contact if possible and nodding to show that you hear what is being said. The last element is actively attempting to understand before responding, by thinking about the underlying message, the actual feelings behind the words, rather than trying to interpret, or come up with an answer.

As with other components of assertive behavior, listening is a skill that can be learned. It is hard work and takes patience. Good listening will make all of your assertions more effective, and will contribute much to the quality of your interaction with co-workers and colleagues.

u Content. What you say is clearly important. It is important to express yourself and take responsibility for your feelings; don't blame the other person for how you feel. It is not necessary to put the other person down (aggressive) to express your feelings (assertive).

Becoming More Assertive

As you begin the process of becoming more assertive, you won't wake up some morning and say, "Today, I'm a new, assertive person." The key to developing assertiveness is practice, practice, practice and follow the few guidelines below:

ü Step 1. Observe your behavior.

Are you asserting yourself adequately? Are you satisfied with the way you handle conflict and your effectiveness in your personal relationships? Really look at how you feel about yourself and your relationships.

ü Step 2. Keep track of your assertiveness.

Record situations in which you find yourself responding assertively, and those you avoided.

ü Step 3: Set realistic goals for yourself.

Your self-assessment will help you pick targets for your growth cycle. Pick out situations in which you want to become more effective.

ü Step 4. Concentrate on a particular situation.

Spend a few minutes imagining how you handled a conflict or a particular situation, for example, when the boss made you feel like "two cents" over a mistake, or when a colleague criticized you in the lunch room last week.

ü Step 5. Review your responses.

Review and remember carefully the components of your behavior and how it represented a nonassertive or aggressive approach.

ü Step 6. Observe an effective role model.

Watch someone who handles conflict well and is assertive. Don't be afraid to ask questions and discuss his or her approach and its consequences. A mentor is another way to practice techniques and bounce off new ideas or to discover strengths and weaknesses. Don't be afraid to seek help, if needed.

ü Step 7. Consider alternative responses.

Consider other possible ways the conflict or incident could have been handled. How could you have dealt with it more directly? Less offensively?

ü Step 8. Practice, practice, practice.

This approach works well in front of a confidant or mentor. Review the dialogue and the way you deliver it.

ü Step 9. Try it out.

Now that you have examined your behavior and considered alternatives, you are prepared to try out some new ways of dealing assertively with situations.

ü Step 10. Get feedback on your performance.

Ask a mentor, or trusted colleague about the strengths of your actions and work on the weaker areas, if identified.

ü Step 11. Continue your training.

Repeat the situations and conversations that helped you develop your desired behavior. Create a learning environment that will help you to continue to grow in assertiveness.

Assertiveness in the Workplace

To be assertive on the job often can be difficult. Fear of reprisals on the job from supervisors or colleagues, even fear of losing the job itself, are obstacles for many. There are countless ways to express yourself assertively at work. A few general ideas to get you started:

ü Put off procrastination by acting assertively.

ü Improve your decision-making skills by practicing assertive action.

ü Negotiate more effectively by becoming assertive.

ü Deal with angry patients, colleagues, physicians and bosses.

ü Learn to say no so you'll not lose your self-respect.

ü Speak up about health and safety issues in the workplace, especially in the interest of patient care.

ü Improve your time management by assertively taking more control of yourself and your schedule.

ü Overcome performance anxiety by becoming goal oriented and dealing with manipulation and bias, if they occur.

Everyday life situations at work often call for assertive behavior. Take a look at the following workplace situations and decide which response would be most appropiate and assertive:

¶ Working late: You and your signifigant other have an engagement this evening, which has been planned for several weeks. You plan to leave immediately after work. During the day, however, your supervisor asks you to stay late this evening to work on a special assignment.

Your response might be:

(a) You say nothing about your important plans and simply agree to stay late and until the special assignment is finished.

(b) In a nervous, abrupt voice you say, "No, I won't work late tonight!" Adding a brief criticism of the boss for not planning the work schedule better, you then turn back to your work and relate the situation to your best friend.

(c) In a firm, pleasant voice, you explain your important plans and say you will not be able to stay this evening to work on the special assignment, but perhaps you can work together with the supervisor to find an alternate solution.

¶ Deniable passion: One of your colleagues has been making sexual overtures toward you. You are not the least bit interested and have begun to feel harassed. Since you are both involved on an important project, you know that you will need to continue working with and interacting with this person.

Your response might be:

(a) You begin wearing clothing that is less appealing, change your hair style, and start looking down each time the person approaches.

(b) After a recent incident, you sit and talk quietly with the person. You note that you are feeling "pursued" and do not wish to be pursued (this might be a good time to give some examples). Finally, you say that if the approaches don't stop, you will file a report with your employer.

(c) The next time the person makes an overture you state, "I hate your guts! You are scum! You are so ugly that Frankenstein wouldn't have you."

¶ Below par: One of your staff members has been doing sub standard work recently. You decide it is best to deal with the situation before it gets out of control.

Your response might be:

(a) "I'm sorry to bring this up, but I know you must have a good reason why your work has seemed to slide a little lately."

(b) "Things between us are not right. You've been making me mad lately by doing a lousy job. If you don't shape up pronto, you'll be out of a job."

(c) "I am very concerned about your work performance recently. You will not be considered for a pay increase this quarter. Let's analyze what's been going on and see what improvements you can make for the future."

¶ Job error: You have made a big mistake on the job. Your supervisor discovers it and is letting you know rather harshly that you should not have been so careless.

Your response might be:

(a) You agree that you made the mistake, saying, "It was by mistake. I will be more careful in the future. However, it seems to me you're being a bit harsh and I see no need for that."

(b) Overapologizing, you say, "I'm sorry. It was stupid on my part. How silly of me. I'll never let it happen again."

(c) You bristle and say, "You have no business criticizing my work. Since when are you perfect? Leave me alone, and don't bother me in the future. I'm capable of handling my own job."

¶ Late to work: One of your subordinates has been coming in late consistently for the last three or four days. Other staff members are beginning to talk and you know that it is time to do something about the situation.

Your response might be:

(a) You grumble to yourself or to others about the situation, but say nothing to the person, hoping he or she will start coming in earlier.

(b) You point out to the staff member that you have observed him or her coming in late recently and wonder, "Is there an explanation I should know about? In the interest of patient care, it is important that you report to work on time. You should have come to me and explained the situation, rather than saying nothing at all, leaving me up in the air."

(c) You tell the staff member off, indicating that he or she has no right to take advantage of you and that he or she had better get to work on time or else you will report to the management.

¶ Know it all: As a member of the task force on patient safety, you are dismayed by the continued dominance of the group discussion by Sara. She is an opinionated member who has the answer to everything and is not afraid to share it. As usual, no one has said anything about the situation.

Your response might be:

(a) You explode verbally, curse Sara out for "not giving anyone else a chance," and declare her ideas "out of date and worthless."

(b) Your irritation increases, but you remain silent.

(c) You meet with Sara and tell her that you are irritated by her monopoly of the group's time. You then inform her that at the next task force meeting you will be suggesting a discussion of a procedure that will permit all members to share their thoughts and opinions equally.

Assertive answers:

Working late                         (c)

Deniable passion                   (b)

Below par                              (c)

Job error                               (a)

Late to work                         (b)

Know it all                            (b)

Assertiveness is positive and healthy. Learning to make assertive responses will reduce the anxiety you may feel in dealing with others. By developing the ability to stand up for yourself and do things on your own initiative, you can cut down your stress and increase your sense of worth as a person, regardless of your style. Effective, assertive communication can build positive, equal relationships between people, one of the most valuable assets a human being can have.

Keep in mind, that assertiveness, as other social behavior, is learned. You can change yourself, if you wish to do so. Change is hard work. It usually comes slowly, and in small steps. Don't try to tackle too much at once. Succeed by taking achievable steps. There are no magic answers. While assertiveness doesn't always work, it sure beats the alternative, every time. Don't let failures at first stop you from trying again.